What do you need?

If I fucking knew what I needed, I wouldn't be here you dumbass. I need support. that's all I can think of, and I get more support from comments on my blog or reading about other people going through the same shit as me than sitting in your damn office.

I was there for 8 minutes today. Record. My shortest with RR was 14. I almost cut it in half...impressive. But also pointless. I ran across the fucking campus to make the appointment on time. And I had to walk back across to get to the library. (at least I got exercise). I'm not going to go back. She's e-mailing me about an appointment, but I can get more out of a nap.

Ok, so it's not all her fault. I lied to her. I told her I had a great week and that I didn't use symptoms at all. That's just because I don't want to go to more therapy, not that she can force me or anything. I admitted that I've been restricting, but I hardly consider that a symptom...which is weird. I guess just because it's a new symptom I developed from stopping purging. CM uses the phrase "threw up". Really? I don't have the flu, I force that shit up my throat. I don't know why that bugs me so much. I used it with LW, I even said "puked"...I think RR did it to me. She made me use the proper names so I'd know it was wrong. Like a child. But it helps, to say I binged, rather than, I ate more than I should have. Because that's quite an understatement. I could tell CM that. But I didn't. I didn't tell her anything...which goes right back to my previous post about trust issues. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER. Ok, so I could talk about and process what I've been writing on here. But I don't want to go through it. I'm not ready.

Hysterical. I'm not READY? I've been in therapy for over a year and I'm still not 'ready' to deal with my shit? Goddamn. Am I not ready or do I just not want to? I need to be pushed. That's the only reason I benefited from family sessions with R. He pushed the SHIT out of me. He wouldn't back down and wouldn't let me leave until I answered. Not the same R seen in groups, that's for sure. RR even pushed me sometimes. Her wide, unblinking eyes freaked me out and made me talk. Sometimes. And then there was LB, of course who would turn to me, stare me down, and say Why, you haven't talked today. Answer this question. You don't know? You wrote something down. What does it say? ...it sucked but I got a lot out of it.

CM isn't the unhelpful one, I'm the unwilling one.

I had a good day though. I did. Well, it wasn't bad. I felt terrible when I woke up. It's like I had some kind of purging hangover. Some left over nausea and a splitting headache. Nothing a few Advils can't fix though. I had class and did homework...that was all. I haven't purged today. But It's only 3:00, so let me get through dinner before you say good job. I haven't really eaten anything substantial enough to purge either...but I still don't consider restricting to be a bad thing. I'll have to think more about why.

This was really pointless, I'm just extremely frustrated. I'm done with therapy.