It's hard for me to tell what emotion I'm feeling. It's weird. Because I know what they feel like...but I'm so numbed out, I'm not feeling anything. But at the same time, I can completely sink into my own world and feel so overwhelmed I'm paralyzed, or pretend like I'm the happiest damn person on the planet and ride on carts through Target. I'm not trying to say that my eating disorder makes it impossible for me to have a good time....I can have a good time, the only reason I'm questioning if it's a show or not is that as soon as the people I'm having 'such a good time' with leave, I'm back into the paralyzed, overwhelmed state where all I can do is mindlessly look at facebook or pick my split ends.
I have good friends here though. I've known them for such little time, but I'm kept down because of them. I'm kept sane. I'm still using symptoms in a pretty out of control way, but even though no one (except Trevor) knows, I'm more at ease around them and...I don't know. It's nice to have people sometimes. I can't believe I'm saying that. Well, not to talk to about shit. But to have in case I think I'm going to explode. Or to distract me when they don't even know that's what they're doing.
Because today was pretty awful. My weight is up. I'm trying to hear Rachel's words and remember that my fattened up state that I left ACE in was healthy in her opinion. In my opinion, it was extremely overweight. I'm fluctuating in that range and going up and down half a pound doesn't mean shit because it has more to do with whether or not I've taken a shit or my hydration level or what not...but a half pound is all it takes to make me spiral down. Which hints that I shouldn't weigh myself if I can't handle it, but I was at the gym and the scale wanted me to step on. On the bright side, I resisted the urge to buy a scale to have in my room at Target. Partially thanks to Lucy who continued to insist that it was a bad idea (and she doesn't even know)...and Trevor who looked at me all concerned.
Part of me wishes I just got it anyway so I could get a more accurate weight in the morning instead of while I'm working out.
I don't know. I really really really just have no fucking idea. I feel like I'm on a completely different planet.
i almost wish I could be numbed out. Therapy is fucking working and I'm such an emotional rollercoaster, I see myself CONSCIOUSLY falling back into my coping mechanisms to be numbed. it's so difficult...
ReplyDeletei know u can get through this. I'm so glad you're still thinking about Rachel's words. that's something and not buying a scale. That's HUGE :)
<3<3 miss you babe.