aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Boys are stupid.
I don't want him to give me butterflies.
I don't want to think about him.
I don't want to wait for his text messages.
I don't want to want him.
I don't want to like him.

My fate is decided in 3.5 hours.
I have never been this anxious in my life.
I'm at a cross between the sound of food making me sick and wanting to eat anything I can get my hands on. Or wanting to run until I collapse. Or wanting to scream, break something, hurt something.
So I'm just going to sleep. Or I might do something stupid.


Please. Please. Please....what? I don't even know what I want to happen.
(because I don't want recovery at all.)


fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnnggggg shittttttttttttttttttt.
i hate having emotions. where the hell did my numbness go? alksfjlaksjfkasjdfoikl

I knew it wouldn't last.

As soon as me and Trevor had the conversation...that one where I established that I really am not attracted to him, and just wanted to be friends...he stopped talking to me about anything of substance.

Normally, if I would have texted him freaking out, he would have been at my dorm in 3 seconds flat to talk about it. But he texted back: :\ shit happens, sorry.

I'M SORRY I BUSTED YOUR FUCKING BALLS. But is that really the only reason you pretended to care? Because you wanted some ass?

I have trust issues anyway. And somehow that motherfucker drew me in and I had an inkling of trust for him. This is exactly why I don't get close to people. Exactly. He only pretended to care because he wanted to fuck. I know not all people are horny assholes...but why does everyone that I come across, that I decide to trust a little bit fuck me over?

Everyone has the ability to change their mind, and leave. So who's to say they won't? Because everyone has so far. So how do I think differently when I haven't seen this firsthand?

I'm going to stop the melodrama and toot my own horn now so I can end on a happy note.

At breakfast, I had chocolate milk. and cereal. Not just fruit and water.
I know it's not balanced nutritionally or anything...but...no. That's why I'm proud. I didn't purge sugary cereal and chocolate milk. And it was pretty good, too.

Dear Self,

Get the fuck out of bed. SHOWER. Make yourself look nice for a change and maybe you won't feel like such shit. It worked last year. Dresses make you feel better than sweatpants. So wear one. Go to class and be present. BUY A FUCKING SNACK ON THE WAY. Something safe enough so it won't feel like a bomb in your stomach, but something substantial enough too. Don't go out tonight. It's a week night. Thirsty Thursday is a terrible concept. Don't start this shit too. Just do your homework after class and feel good about getting done early. Go to bed before midnight. Feel better in the morning. Try not to bite anyone's heads off today, it's not their fault you feel like this.

And remember to breathe.

Out of Control

Today has definitely been one of those days I just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. I said that yesterday too, but it has nothing on today. Eating disorder-wise, at least. I'm drained--completely. I almost skipped class today because my stomach was hurting so badly...it could have been so many different things. I don't know which speculation is right...I just hope it doesn't happen again. I'm thinking it was a combination of 3 or 4 different things I shouldn't have been doing.  Basically, I need to be more careful. I'm fucking myself up here. But besides going to class today, I did nothing but sleep. Oh, and eat.

My eating disorder was absolutely raging today. Lately, it's been that I can't eat...the thought makes me nauseous--I've been having trouble even drinking tea. But today, it was a whole different story. I couldn't get enough to eat. I don't even want to think about how many calories I ingested...
I purged it all, of course...so now I feel absolutely terrible. I don't think I could have stuffed more food in me if I tried...and by the amount of purges I had, god damn. I'm insanely weak, both physically and emotionally.

I need someone safe here. Trevor is obviously getting safer, and is helping me a lot...but I still don't trust him. I still don't want to call him and make him come sit with me, even though he keeps telling me to. I couldn't even do that with my friends back home that I'd known for years. I should have gotten some kind of support today though. I knew that I needed it, but I turned to my eating disorder instead. And now, I hate myself for it. Part of me is thinking I should go back to counseling and at least have something...but god, I'd rather die. Then there's the EDA meetings in the city...I just don't have to motivation to drag my ass all the way down there. I know being in a group that understands again would be very helpful...but I don't want to go. There's that part of me that knows I should force myself to go, just once. I don't have to go back. I was always like that with new ACE groups too...starting new ones, even after months of getting acquainted there terrified me. I knew almost all of the girls and therapists there, but I hated being the new kid in the room. I always 'liked' the groups though...as much as one can enjoy therapy, at least. It's just taking the step off the ledge and hoping you land somewhere safe. Part of it is that it's in the city. I'm really terrible at getting cabs, and I would undoubtedly get lost trying to find the building. I know I'm not the only person with an eating disorder at this school...I just wish I could channel someone to go with me, or something. The only way I know to even try to set that up is by talking to a counselor and asking them to bring it up to other people they see...and have them contact me if they are interested. But I don't want to go back to that place, so I won't. The other thing I could do is go to a center for eating disorders here, either through the hospital or a specialized place...also in the city. That's tricky though because it means getting my parents involved.

All I know is that I need more support than I have if I am going to make any progress at all. I felt so out of control today, I felt like it was a year ago again and I was seeing Lori for the first few times, going behind everyone's back and purging out of control, almost passing out everyday. It's a terrible, terrible feeling and it makes it even worse that it has a peculiar aspect of comfort, like sinking into my bed at the end of the day and falling asleep.

So, I'm lost because I don't know what my parents would say. And I know I don't technically have to tell them, and I could go to counseling and EDA...but I don't want therapy to litter college. But my eating disorder is already taking a huge motherfucking dump on it. AGH, AMBIVALENCE. fuck you.

unfocused.

I'm posting on this entirely too often, but it's been a rough day. I'm using this as a replacement to my journal which I used in excess as well--this is SO much easier...to type than to write.

Anyway, shortly after my last post, I e-mailed CM and told her I wasn't going to talk to my parents and I'm not going to do the groups. I told her I was going to wait a few weeks and see if as I get more accustomed to being here it gets easier and also see what my work schedule is like. I know I'm doing this to distract myself from my eating disorder, and as L commented...I know the right answer. It's like I'm in class and I'm too shy to raise my hand. I know I can do it, I'm just so damn ambivalent.

The day didn't end well. I went absolutely insane with symptoms...but I didn't go to frisbee or work out and aggravate my heart even more, so there is one recovery-oriented thing I've done today.

I can't focus on my homework. Due to anxiety? That's what RR diagnosed it as when I was having trouble in high school. My lit teacher, Mr. T gave me really awesome strategies to help too (I broke down in class one day and ended up telling him everything. His wife is a therapist for eating disorder patients, and he does a lot to understand.) I'm not using any strategies for schoolwork or for myself. I need to force myself to do it until it gets easier and I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day. I will not use symptoms and I will do my homework in a gentle, well-paced manner so I don't flip my shit and get overwhelmed. How do normal people do it? How do normal people sit in the library all day and just focus on one thing? How do they go to the cafeteria and eat a normal meal and still have focus and control over their life? My friend, T pointed out something interesting. I have had an anxiety-related eye twitch for a huge chunk of high school that went away for the most part with my old meds but still shows itself sometimes. It's like I'm winking, and T and I had an awkward moment because he thought I was winking at him. He jokes around about it a lot--I don't really mind, but tonight after dinner he goes..."Why do you only twitch when you eat?" Now, how the hell did I not notice that?

I think I'm more capable than I give myself credit for. I had a whole month purge-free this summer...which is amazing considering towards the end of the school year, I was days away from being put in inpatient for the summer. When I put my mind to it, I can fight my ED voice. I think I just freaked out because of the weight gain. Which was ridiculous considering I was eating normally...well normally for a person on the cusp of recovery...I wasn't eating enough to gain the weight that I did. RR told me that I needed to let my metabolism regulate. It took too long, but I can't purge forever. I can go through the discomfort and gain some extra padding for the Chicago winters and let my metabolism regulate. It just doesn't seem like I should have to gain weight in recovery when I'm at the higher end of a normal weight anyway.

Sometimes, I just want to take a knife and slice my fat off.