Out of Control

Today has definitely been one of those days I just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. I said that yesterday too, but it has nothing on today. Eating disorder-wise, at least. I'm drained--completely. I almost skipped class today because my stomach was hurting so badly...it could have been so many different things. I don't know which speculation is right...I just hope it doesn't happen again. I'm thinking it was a combination of 3 or 4 different things I shouldn't have been doing.  Basically, I need to be more careful. I'm fucking myself up here. But besides going to class today, I did nothing but sleep. Oh, and eat.

My eating disorder was absolutely raging today. Lately, it's been that I can't eat...the thought makes me nauseous--I've been having trouble even drinking tea. But today, it was a whole different story. I couldn't get enough to eat. I don't even want to think about how many calories I ingested...
I purged it all, of course...so now I feel absolutely terrible. I don't think I could have stuffed more food in me if I tried...and by the amount of purges I had, god damn. I'm insanely weak, both physically and emotionally.

I need someone safe here. Trevor is obviously getting safer, and is helping me a lot...but I still don't trust him. I still don't want to call him and make him come sit with me, even though he keeps telling me to. I couldn't even do that with my friends back home that I'd known for years. I should have gotten some kind of support today though. I knew that I needed it, but I turned to my eating disorder instead. And now, I hate myself for it. Part of me is thinking I should go back to counseling and at least have something...but god, I'd rather die. Then there's the EDA meetings in the city...I just don't have to motivation to drag my ass all the way down there. I know being in a group that understands again would be very helpful...but I don't want to go. There's that part of me that knows I should force myself to go, just once. I don't have to go back. I was always like that with new ACE groups too...starting new ones, even after months of getting acquainted there terrified me. I knew almost all of the girls and therapists there, but I hated being the new kid in the room. I always 'liked' the groups though...as much as one can enjoy therapy, at least. It's just taking the step off the ledge and hoping you land somewhere safe. Part of it is that it's in the city. I'm really terrible at getting cabs, and I would undoubtedly get lost trying to find the building. I know I'm not the only person with an eating disorder at this school...I just wish I could channel someone to go with me, or something. The only way I know to even try to set that up is by talking to a counselor and asking them to bring it up to other people they see...and have them contact me if they are interested. But I don't want to go back to that place, so I won't. The other thing I could do is go to a center for eating disorders here, either through the hospital or a specialized place...also in the city. That's tricky though because it means getting my parents involved.

All I know is that I need more support than I have if I am going to make any progress at all. I felt so out of control today, I felt like it was a year ago again and I was seeing Lori for the first few times, going behind everyone's back and purging out of control, almost passing out everyday. It's a terrible, terrible feeling and it makes it even worse that it has a peculiar aspect of comfort, like sinking into my bed at the end of the day and falling asleep.

So, I'm lost because I don't know what my parents would say. And I know I don't technically have to tell them, and I could go to counseling and EDA...but I don't want therapy to litter college. But my eating disorder is already taking a huge motherfucking dump on it. AGH, AMBIVALENCE. fuck you.

I Need to Hurt

I need to hurt or I need to hurt something. I need to match the emotional pain I'm going through in a physical manner. My stomach is tightened into a thousand knots and I feel too nauseous to eat, but I'm forcing myself because it's psychological. I'm not sick (besides my eating disorder at least). 

I feel like I should have exploded a long time ago--I felt like I was going to break down for the longest time but I kept it in. I'm like a malfunctioned bomb. I flipped my shit a little bit after my car accident, but I didn't even flip out as much as I just joked about it constantly. That's the last time I cried, though. The time before that...I can't even remember. I don't let myself, but sometimes I do yearn for it. I remember watching other people just opening up and letting themselves be vulnerable in groups... or even my friends, who would cry in movies...how do people let themselves show that kind of raw emotion? I can't let myself be like that. I don't think crying makes people weak. I think it makes me weak. But what kind of double standard is that? I feel it coming on and I dig my fingernails into myself to make my eyes stop watering, to make the emotional pain subside. I feel stupid crying because I don't know what I'm crying about. I don't know what my underlying issues are. Nothing huge happened to make me this way...I feel like such a faker. I have heard so many terrible stories about how people used symptoms as coping mechanisms and the only thing I can trace mine back to is having weigh-ins at dance class and being insecure. Everybody has insecurities, but not everybody has an eating disorder. So why did I have to take it that far? Did I do this on purpose? I've heard a lot of people say 'it just happened'... but I can remember googling tips, making collages of thin people, carrying around pictures of myself looking fat so I wouldn't eat. I did it to myself. I practiced purging so I could make less noise and not use hands. I worked really hard to perfect this. It didn't just happen. Which makes me hate myself even more for doing it on purpose when I have had a good life. My parents are happily married. None of my family members have died. We are well-off financially, I'm in the school I want to be in. I have everything I want but I still sabotaged my life because I was overweight. And it just doesn't make any sense, and it kills me inside and now we're back. I need to hurt. 

I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else, I'll put that disclaimer out there. But I want to scream as loud as possible in the silent library or run until I can't breathe or punch my hand through a window. or purge or cut  

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO USE SYMPTOMS TODAY

so for the love of god, could someone shut ED up? 

(sorry for the most inarticulate thing I've ever written)