make it stop.

i'm currently trying to think of a way to make all of this stop and go back a week to no one knowing about this that will make my life change.

the good news for my health is that i can't make it stop. i can't 'get out of it'. my mom knows. that's enough to ensure i'll be going somewhere for therapy. fuck my life.

i had another appointment this morning, and i cried. like an idiot. no, i didn't cry yesterday when she told me i should leave school. i didn't cry when she told me i had an appointment tomorrow for the hospital evaluation. i cried when she told me she wouldn't reschedule it to accommodate my work schedule. i told her i can't do 2:30 because i work at 3 and she goes...really? what's more important here?

and i get that. i really DO get that. but. at the same time....i literally started working there 3 weeks ago. and where the conversation ended up, she is already telling me to quit and i haven't even been evaluated yet.

this job was the first thing i've been excited about in a while. granted, most of the excitement came from the hefty discount they give us...but also because that was the plan. i planned to come to lake forest and get a job at j.crew. and for the first time in forever something actually worked out according to a plan i made for MYSELF. (besides anything that has to do with ed shit) and i did that. myself. i'm not a very mature 18 year old, i can tell you that much. my mom still calls and sets up my hair appointments. and as dumb as a part time retail job sounds...it meant a lot that i had that and now i'm losing it. and i really enjoyed it. and also, i don't know how to tell them that although i've worked a grand total of 7 times i have to stop now. because i'm not capable of taking care of myself. and i have to call and tell them i can't work tomorrow because of a 'medical emergency'

but seriously. how hard would it have been to make my appointment earlier in the day? or another day? it's been 3 months, so waiting 2 days isn't going to be as detrimental as everyone is making it out to be.

and if we're looking for irony in the situation, the whole reason i backed out of the iop program here in the first place was because i GOT that job. and people told me that it'd overload me. i've tried that before. it did overload me. and now i'm quitting IT for therapy. awesome.

i hate that i cried in front of her of all people. i never cried in front of lori. and i never cried at ace. and i was comfortable in those places. definitely not comfortable in her office. it's probably one of the most uncomfortable places i've been.

i know i'm being stupid. because the way it's looking i might be leaving school soon...so obviously i won't be able to work in lake forest....but while i'm here...i'd like to. and. yeah. i know that's stupid. and i know i'm being dramatic. because my measly hardly-even-part-time job at a clothing store will hardly mean anything in the grand scheme of things. and i know that i need to have this evaluation. and i know that crying in a therapist's office isn't that big of a deal... i don't know. i just wanted to be stronger.

anyway. i was supposed to call and confirm the appointment/give them insurance info but i started studying my ass off instead so i wouldn't have to think about any of this. and by the time i remembered i had to be responsible, my phone was dead. so i left a message. but at least i'll ace a test for a class i'm probably not going to get any credit for anyway. yay, priorities.

i want it to stop. i want it to stop ruining everything.

What do you need?

If I fucking knew what I needed, I wouldn't be here you dumbass. I need support. that's all I can think of, and I get more support from comments on my blog or reading about other people going through the same shit as me than sitting in your damn office.

I was there for 8 minutes today. Record. My shortest with RR was 14. I almost cut it in half...impressive. But also pointless. I ran across the fucking campus to make the appointment on time. And I had to walk back across to get to the library. (at least I got exercise). I'm not going to go back. She's e-mailing me about an appointment, but I can get more out of a nap.

Ok, so it's not all her fault. I lied to her. I told her I had a great week and that I didn't use symptoms at all. That's just because I don't want to go to more therapy, not that she can force me or anything. I admitted that I've been restricting, but I hardly consider that a symptom...which is weird. I guess just because it's a new symptom I developed from stopping purging. CM uses the phrase "threw up". Really? I don't have the flu, I force that shit up my throat. I don't know why that bugs me so much. I used it with LW, I even said "puked"...I think RR did it to me. She made me use the proper names so I'd know it was wrong. Like a child. But it helps, to say I binged, rather than, I ate more than I should have. Because that's quite an understatement. I could tell CM that. But I didn't. I didn't tell her anything...which goes right back to my previous post about trust issues. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER. Ok, so I could talk about and process what I've been writing on here. But I don't want to go through it. I'm not ready.

Hysterical. I'm not READY? I've been in therapy for over a year and I'm still not 'ready' to deal with my shit? Goddamn. Am I not ready or do I just not want to? I need to be pushed. That's the only reason I benefited from family sessions with R. He pushed the SHIT out of me. He wouldn't back down and wouldn't let me leave until I answered. Not the same R seen in groups, that's for sure. RR even pushed me sometimes. Her wide, unblinking eyes freaked me out and made me talk. Sometimes. And then there was LB, of course who would turn to me, stare me down, and say Why, you haven't talked today. Answer this question. You don't know? You wrote something down. What does it say? ...it sucked but I got a lot out of it.

CM isn't the unhelpful one, I'm the unwilling one.

I had a good day though. I did. Well, it wasn't bad. I felt terrible when I woke up. It's like I had some kind of purging hangover. Some left over nausea and a splitting headache. Nothing a few Advils can't fix though. I had class and did homework...that was all. I haven't purged today. But It's only 3:00, so let me get through dinner before you say good job. I haven't really eaten anything substantial enough to purge either...but I still don't consider restricting to be a bad thing. I'll have to think more about why.

This was really pointless, I'm just extremely frustrated. I'm done with therapy.

Deep, Deeper, STOP.

I'm going to attempt to make this more articulate than all of the other jumbled messes I've written. And I realize this is my fifth post in two days. I need to stop worrying about updating 'too often' people don't have to read this.

Contrary to my previous bout of bolded, red letters screaming that I wasn't going to use symptoms today...I did. A lot. My ED is screaming at me so loud. It's ringing in my ears and drowning everything else out. Never in my life have I been less present than I was today. I wish I could articulate what has been going on to make me start spiraling down and out of control. So here goes nothing.

I've always been bad at making friends. My personality isn't one that's super bubbly, carefree, and fun-loving. I'm sarcastic to the point of being rude, unaffectionate, and  maybe even stand-offish. I don't connect well with people. I never have...this isn't some curse brought on by my eating disorder...I always have been this way. Of course, the ED intensified it, but I'm convinced it made me more of myself. I've always felt that the way we are at our worst is how we really are...there are too many emotions running rampant to put on the 'half smile' and pull yourself together.  I had one 'best friend', C, since I was 2. I've talked about the shit that happened with her in multiple individual and group sessions, but basically we're just not close at all anymore. Also, my current best friend, O, I've known for 8 years. Clearly I have a little bit of an issue because my friends all seem to be from when we connected over playing American Girl Dolls. Yeah, I've had acquaintances in school that I can talk to, sit with, complain about teachers with...but it's extremely rare for me to have someone I'll be able to call up and say "I've had a shit day. Please listen and then fix it." I can't even connect with therapists. Sometimes, I think it's worse with them.  LW was the closest I got and then she got taken away thanks to ACE. She knew a lot about me, and I got to the point where I'd open up and fill the full hour. With RR, I never felt that close. I never said anything too deep and said "I don't know" like it was an article. I was very careful about that. Our sessions began to start 15 minutes late and end sometimes 30 minutes early. So, you do the math. That's 15 minutes and she got 200 dollars for hearing about my incessant purging and that I didn't know why I did it. I really liked her, don't get me wrong, but come to think of it...even though I started participating in groups towards the end of my almost 8 months at ACE, everything I'd say was on the surface. Some of it definitely was bullshit that I made up because no, R I did not express myself, and no, ASB, I do not want to tell the group that I my anxiety is at a 10 because I just saw my hideous reflection in the window behind you. But why? Why couldn't I be honest? People were saying shit like that all the time. Why was it okay for the girl across from me to say her anxiety was at a 9 because of negative body image, but not for me? There's no doubt I have a little social anxiety (okay, a lot), but I felt connected to the girls at ACE and would talk about more real stuff in between groups when a therapist wasn't present. It was in between groups that I admitted my aversion to shorts was because of scars on my legs. I never even told RR that I'd ever cut. Therapists intimidate me, but at the same time I know that being more honest in therapy will help. I doubt I'll ever get there with CM, just because of the conditions. I'm afraid that if I say too much, I'll seem tro sick and get kicked out of school. It's almost pointless to see her, but I'm trying to listen to RR...even though there's little reason to start now. It's not that I'm lying. I'm telling the truth. Just very little of it. I have my line that I absolutely refuse to cross.

I don't want people to think I'm weird. I know therapists have "heard it all", so I should just be wide open and let them fix me. But I protect what's inside more than anything. I'm doing this blog to protect it less. I tried it before, per suggestion of LW, who mentioned it to my dad (I was still 17 at the time, they could hear whatever the hell they wanted, and had sessions with her to talk about me) who went through my computer history and found it. They all read it behind my back. I felt like I was naked on a stage in front of a million people. I deleted the blog and yelled at LW. I think that's what made me closer to her. I know other people can see this. I know my dad could potentially come across it (let's hope he never does). I know my school has access to everything I do on here (let's hope there are too many kids looking at porn and illegally downloading music to be worried about my blog)...and I know some old ACE friends have the link. Does that make me guard it? Maybe. I won't go into anything too deep, I never even did in my journal in case it got lost and found... I guess I don't even let myself think about what's deep because I don't want to know either.

Not knowing myself makes it way too hard to find friends that I'll let know me. It makes it way too hard to find a guy that will accept me when I can't accept myself. I can't think of any reason anyone would find me attractive and let people who tell me I am know that they are, of course, mistaken...

You look pretty today!
Are you fucking kidding me? I look like hell. Get your eyes checked.

People don't like being told they're wrong. I know that, but I don't want them to say it again so I make sure they won't. I'm manipulative in that way. I make everyone's voice similar to my ED voice.

The current issue seems to be the fact that I have to make new 'friends'. I have to establish who I am to a whole new group of people. I was extremely excited about that before going here so I could be more of who I wanted to be and less of who I am. I'm being the same guarded person here, the same person I was where I hated everything. That's making me anxious. Trying to be different is making ED tell me that it worked so much better last time.

I need to shut it up on my own, put it in the little box. Maybe then, I'll get my homework done. (thank god for sparknotes)

So much for being articulate.