still confused.

I'm going to dinner with Trevor and his fraternity tonight. It's this "etiquette dinner" thing they're holding. I wonder if proper etiquette includes purging.

I don't want to go.
I love getting dressed up, but I don't like it in this....'date' situation. I don't know. I'm worried I won't look good enough and being on display in front of a bunch of frat guys.
And Trevor is wanting to get more serious and it's making me want to see him less. Because whether or not I want it, I'm afraid of it.

And I am still in the same mode where I want to lay in my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
My motivation to drink myself into oblivion has gone significantly down, which is probably a good thing. I'm tired of having to piece my night together the next morning over Excedrin and Gatorade.
Sooo that makes it hard to get up and go to this damned dinner tonight...if I just want to go to bed after. (alone.)

I think I'm staying here, though.
I mean...I'm probably doing a few weeks to a month of a residential/inpatient thing in some midwestern state in the time between thanksgiving and christmas. But I'm going to be here next semester....and yes, I'll be doing groups and shit. But I'll be at school.
I'm...happy? about it. I'm extremely nervous. I'm extremely anxious.
I'm worried that school and treatment will cancel each other out. I've made it clear that I value school over other things. I made that clear last year in treatment. I was going to use symptoms if it helped me cope with stress of exams better...and it did, so I did.

And I have a rough semester next semester...don't ask me why I decided to switch from English to Business major. I'm keeping my double in Comm and minor in French..but now I have to do finite math or calc by the end of my first year and I fucking hate numbers. So, HELLO 8am math class!

I don't know about it. I'm confused at how I went from going to residential for 2-4 months to doing a month at the most of something similar and then iop...at school.

And I don't know if that's a wise decision or if I'm just glad I'm getting away with it so I don't miss stuff I'm excited about next semester.

...And...part of my uneasiness of being here has to do with Trevor I think. I can't be platonic with him, but I don't want to hold his hand or him to kiss me in public. And I don't want to go to fancy dinners with him.

slkfjalskfjlkajsflkj I don't know what to wear.

(and i still have to quit work. i'm calling tomorrow. i will not go to the holiday meeting. i will not go to my shift this week. i will quit tomorrow. haskfjalskfjklajsf I DON'T WANT TO.)

these people suck.

now they're saying residential.
my mom talked to the lady at the hospital who said that i seem to be anti-recovery, therefore a 'relaxed' treatment environment doesn't seem right for me at this point.

and i didn't want to hear that.

i want to flip the switch or go back in time and stop this.
i'm scaring the shit out of myself...i don't understand why i can't stop. because it is...just food. and it's such a simple concept, to eat. to eat and NOT purge.

i don't understand why i did this. if i could understand that...i feel like i'd be set in recovery.
but i don't think i had a reason.

ughhhh fuckkkkkkking shit.

maybe there's a little fight left in me.

But I don't know for sure. 

I emailed the lady in the counseling center, I'm assuming she'll have me start groups. This means I'll have to tell my mom, who I also just emailed. I don't know if it was coincidence, or if she was tipped off, but in her last email she had this in there: 

Are you doing okay?  I know that you are busy and I am glad that you have such good friends.  I just still worry about you.  I know that you can put up a pretty good front.  You seemed happy while we were there but I felt like I noticed a little pain in your eyes.  Sorry-I can't help it-it's a mom thing.

I was going to lie, but instead I wrote this back: 

I don't want you to freak out or anything, but I am struggling a little bit. I stopped seeing the lady in the counseling center a while back, but I just emailed her to schedule an appointment. She had talked about me going to a local place for groups a while back, and I'm assuming that's what she's going to suggest when I see her. I let myself get too busy and put my guard down too much. I'll let you know what she says. I think the insurance plan covers it, but someone would have to look into that more to know for sure...

So that's that. I'm extremely nervous/anxious about what's going to happen. 

I don't really want to stay here anymore. I want to go home and do this there. 

I just know that putting your all into recovery is literally your all. And it's extremely hard to do school and work on top of it. I had to quit work within a month of starting at ACE. I did horrible for my standards my last semester. Not only because there was a substantial time commitment at ACE, but it's draining emotionally, and it made it hard to annotate books and do math problems while I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and why. It boils down to it, for me, with my exam grades. I passed. But that's it. I got straight 4s. Average. I know being average isn't bad, but I like being a little bit above. I don't want to settle for average and have to say, well...really, I would have done better, but I was in recovery. I want to be better and then own the shit out of whatever I'm doing. I realized I needed to do something when I got my English midterm back. B. Really, Kelsey? I have gotten perfect scores on every thing I have turned in/taken for that class so far, and I got a B on my midterm. This wouldn't be bad if I did a mediocre job on all of my assignments. I wasn't there mentally for the midterm. I easily could have gotten an A with a bit of focus. I reread the shit I wrote...god. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm just tired of saying/thinking "I could have done better if I didn't have my eating disorder on my mind" 

Leaving feels like giving up though. EVERYONE has their shit. I'm not the only person in the world struggling with something. I don't think I should have to leave school to deal with my shit. I don't want it to be one or the other and it seems like it is. 

But that's that. Everyone knows that needs to know...and I'm still ambivalent and nervous about actually getting better. I'm worried about changing. I'm worried about finding out who I am without this monster. Olivia told me once that it doesn't define me, and I shouldn't let it. I do though, I have. Without it....I'm just an average student with crappy attitude. And I don't want that to be who I am. 

But either way, I just got extremely homesick and I want nothing more than to go home. I have never wanted to be with my parents this much, or to be home this much. I just want the familiarity of my room and my home. I hate that I want that since I tried swearing it off so much so I could go. 

And then there's the Trevor thing. Our relationship went from having mutual friends to being drinking buddies to being friends with benefits to him thinking we're dating and me avoiding him. A while back I posted about talking to him about just staying really good friends, and him hating me for it. Well, then comes homecoming weekend and ten shots of rum within an hour. I got pretty damn sloppy and when I get sloppy I get needy and there was a very horny Trevor. So we hooked up and I woke up next to him. Fast forward over an awkward couple of days to hooking up drunk a couple more times and deciding we could be friends with benefits. Then comes last night when he asks to me Greek Formal and if I wanted to date him. This shit has happened to me before, and this is the point where I cut off contact. That's harder to do when I've gotten this close to my little group of friends...and Trevor is an important part of it. I can't just stop talking to him--I'd have to stop talking to my other friends too and create drama of choosing sides. I just don't do the relationship thing...which is stupid because I'm dramatic to the fact that I've never had a relationship, and the opportunity comes and I flee. Emotional connections and me don't get along. 

I'd walk home if I knew the way.


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edit:

now what i did is setting in and i want to take it back. ahh. :\