still confused.

I'm going to dinner with Trevor and his fraternity tonight. It's this "etiquette dinner" thing they're holding. I wonder if proper etiquette includes purging.

I don't want to go.
I love getting dressed up, but I don't like it in this....'date' situation. I don't know. I'm worried I won't look good enough and being on display in front of a bunch of frat guys.
And Trevor is wanting to get more serious and it's making me want to see him less. Because whether or not I want it, I'm afraid of it.

And I am still in the same mode where I want to lay in my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
My motivation to drink myself into oblivion has gone significantly down, which is probably a good thing. I'm tired of having to piece my night together the next morning over Excedrin and Gatorade.
Sooo that makes it hard to get up and go to this damned dinner tonight...if I just want to go to bed after. (alone.)

I think I'm staying here, though.
I mean...I'm probably doing a few weeks to a month of a residential/inpatient thing in some midwestern state in the time between thanksgiving and christmas. But I'm going to be here next semester....and yes, I'll be doing groups and shit. But I'll be at school.
I'm...happy? about it. I'm extremely nervous. I'm extremely anxious.
I'm worried that school and treatment will cancel each other out. I've made it clear that I value school over other things. I made that clear last year in treatment. I was going to use symptoms if it helped me cope with stress of exams better...and it did, so I did.

And I have a rough semester next semester...don't ask me why I decided to switch from English to Business major. I'm keeping my double in Comm and minor in French..but now I have to do finite math or calc by the end of my first year and I fucking hate numbers. So, HELLO 8am math class!

I don't know about it. I'm confused at how I went from going to residential for 2-4 months to doing a month at the most of something similar and then iop...at school.

And I don't know if that's a wise decision or if I'm just glad I'm getting away with it so I don't miss stuff I'm excited about next semester.

...And...part of my uneasiness of being here has to do with Trevor I think. I can't be platonic with him, but I don't want to hold his hand or him to kiss me in public. And I don't want to go to fancy dinners with him.

slkfjalskfjlkajsflkj I don't know what to wear.

(and i still have to quit work. i'm calling tomorrow. i will not go to the holiday meeting. i will not go to my shift this week. i will quit tomorrow. haskfjalskfjklajsf I DON'T WANT TO.)