i have been stalling on writing this and dealing with and processing everything that happened on thursday. i mean, yeah...i called my mom and yelled at her, saying that everything the DOCTORS were saying was bullshit and that they didn't know anything. and i cried so hard i couldn't breathe so lucy came over to talk but once she got here i somehow turned it off and pretended i was totally ok. and i have sent many angsty texts and fb chats back and forth with an assortment of people...but i haven't admitted to anyone but myself (or out loud) that this is going to be extremely helpful.
the hospital wants me to do 2 weeks of php and then continue with iop for the rest of the semester. which i don't want to do and i EXPRESSED that. (you're welcome, ryan). so their next idea was for me to go home and back to ACE....asap. which i liked somewhat better. which sounds weird because i don't really want to go home.
but. i don't want to be at school and do php. i wouldn't be in class...but i'd be living here. i don't want to live at school and see all the people in my classes and find a way to explain my 2 week disappearance...just in class. but i'd be here at night and on the weekends...and i don't like the stupid hospital. it's so..medical. and i don't like that they can...at any time...take my heart rate and blood or run any test they want just because they have a feeling something is wrong. or they can just....stick me in a hospital room and make me stay and watch me over night. that's way too much control..
and going back to ACE...I don't know. I go back and forth. I was starting to get comfortable talking there around the time I had to leave. So, that part makes me think that going back would be a good call because I'd be comfortable starting out and then I'd be able to talk more and make more progress. I also think I'm in a better recovery-minded-place right now than I was before I came to school. I mean, I've cursed the people making the decisions based on what's good for me right now, but I WAS the one that went to them despite being uneasy about it. I could have kept lying. I did have some pushing, but I've always had pushing. I accepted it this time and actually went to get help. So, I'm more understanding of needing it. And I can see where not getting it takes me. And when I was at ACE this summer, I was too busy constructing lies so I could get to college to think about recovering. I mean...if I was thinking about recovering, I wouldn't have come to college in the first place. But it's taught me a lot anyway. And then there's the bad parts of going back. Which aren't that bad. I'm just uneasy about the same thing I'm comfortable with--knowing all the therapists...and some of the girls there. I'm sure a lot of new people have cycled in at this point. They all know that this is what I wanted and I convinced them that this was going to be good for me...although I'm beginning to doubt that I fooled many of them. But it's admitting failure and defeat...which is hard. But I think it was a little bit expected...even though that sounds bad.
But I don't know anything for sure yet. Since I convinced my mom that the people trained to make these decisions WEREN'T trained to make these decisions, she is all confused and thinks I can stay here without the hospital program. Which is what I wanted 30 seconds after the appointment. And it's what my eating disorder wants. And it's what I want when I think about what/who I'll be leaving behind...after a really good night of getting shitfaced. But I know, in my 'wise mind' that I need to go home. I know that the people I've met here are really, really great, but if they're great enough they'll still be here when I get back (unless I decide to transfer)...and that I shouldn't only feel the pull here after a night of getting so wasted I actually sing karaoke in front of a bunch of people I don't know, dancing wildly with a tshirt over my dress that kept inching up and showing my ass. That's not the kind of image I want around me. I know that everything I'm doing here (whether it's connected to my eating disorder or not--though I think everything is connected somehow) is unhealthy. Extremely.
I have to schedule a meeting with the dean to see if I can salvage any of my semester at home. If I can do that, I'll pack now. If I could go home and still get credit for my semester, I'm in. I have accepted that I'll have to say goodbye to people...relationships aren't a big deal to me anyway....but I can't accept ditching my schoolwork. I can't accept not getting credit for working my ass off. Then I wouldn't feel like my parents wasted a bunch of money so I could relapse. There would be less guilt.
I'll try and schedule it sometime soon. I hope he has an opening Monday or Tuesday so I can know for sure what my plans are by the end of the week.
It's hard though, because Thanksgiving break is so close, and Christmas comes up riiiight after that. So part of me wants to just push through. I just don't know how good that would be. I can't decide.
I'm talking to Rachel (therapist at ACE) on the phone tomorrow. I can be honest with her (for the first time) and I trust that she knows what to do...even though the people here ARE trained to know what to do...I don't know them and I still feel like they're out to get me. At least I trust her a little bit more. Even if she's still a therapist, which I hate.
I JUST WANT SOMETHING CONCRETE. I want to know the date that I'm leaving or that I'm not at all so this isn't all up in the air, causing me more anxiety than I fucking need.
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