Finally.

I guess it's about time I update with my actual final concrete plans. I've been waiting to have this for a while--certainty.

I'm leaving at 9:10 a.m. Monday morning for Mirasol in Arizona. Lay over in Minneapolis. Arrive in Arizona at 1:35 p.m. I'm extremely nervous, anxious, and scared.  I have been crying for the majority of the week. Especially when I got the e-mail of my flight itinerary from my dad.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm actually leaving.

This is always what you hear about in health class in middle school.
They teach you about consequences of behavior they believe to be dangerous.

They say that a sip of alcohol will make you addicted and you'll end up in rehab.
A hit of marijuana, and you'll end up in rehab.
One cigarette, and you'll get lung cancer.
Sex out of marriage, and you'll get pregnant.
Eating disorder, and you end up in a residential treatment center.

I was always afraid that was where I'd be. I was always afraid I'd get 'thrown in' a residential center.

I'm less afraid of it in the sense that it's punishment.
It's fear of letting it go, it's nervous fear.

I've done plenty of stalking of the website.
Plenty of judging the therapists by where they got their undergrads and doctorates.
I have the weekly schedule memorized, and I've watched the virtual tour so many times I definitely already know my way around.

The uncertainty of the other girls is what is tripping me up the most.
I know it will be fine. Becuase they'll understand me and they have all been in my position of the first day there before.

I'm afraid of after. If I waste all of the money and effort that's getting and keeping me there.
But I won't know until I try.
I won't know until I try wholeheartedly.

I really really really AM ready to get better. I'm ready to let go of the bullshit.
But I'm afraid because it is something I'll always have in the back of my mind. It will never simply 'go away'...it doesn't work like that.

I'm sad I'm missing the holidays. But there will be more.

I'm trying to be positive, and it's coming through a lot more right now than it has been lately.

Sigh. See you all in 47 days.

<3