howdyyyyy from arizona!

do they say howdy here? seems like they would...since it's a desert. and there are cowboys in the desert. hmm. anywho.

residential is shaping up to be quite an...interesting experience.

the good news is that i haven't purged or binged or cut since i've been here. and. i don't know if that's an accomplishment...because i can't. well. i could. but...it doesn't seem like progress since if i left i'd go right back into it. i still think of eating boxes of chocolate poptarts and stealing my roommates ID to get milk to wash it down with, then purging in our room...trying to be quiet. and it seems like such a terrible chain of events now that i think back on it. but i still..yearn for it. and that kind of freaks/creeps me out. that's why i'm here though. and it's been less than a week. so it has to get fucking better. i'm banking on that.


i had to tell 'my story' last night. and...it kind of hit me, what the therapist was saying. i know that i have had a guard up my whole life, but it never seemed to be as big of a guard as i thought. and i'm starting to realize all the shit i have to work through...and she made it seem like it was a big deal, and that it mattered that i'd gone through it...that i wasn't just making it up. and i always have feared it...that i'm lying to myself and everyone and i could just stop at any point. but it's not like that. it's a real problem and i have real issues to work through. and they matter..it's not petty bullshit that a 13 year old came up with. well, not all of it.


the best thing in the world for me, though, was yesterday at the gym.
i have been going to the gym....obsessively at school. and, i have always gone at night after a bunch of purging, or in the morning after a bunch of purging. so, my heart freaks out and palpitates after less than a mile. the doctor said that i should run again and see how it is after proper nutrition.


i did last night and i ran a little bit over a mile. and it was freeing. and amazing. and it sounds stupid. because it's just a mile. but. yeah. it meant a lot to me.


i'm still struggling with connecting.
but according to the therapist from group last night...i should be struggling with connecting, and it's not surprising. but i need to work on it rather than isolate myself and do little dumb puzzles in my puzzle book from the fabulous minnesota airport i was in for five hours.


i don't know. it's the beginning.
so i guess this is to be continued.
this week has been up and down, and all over (so i should probably take those meds seriously...haha.)
so. maybe. it will....i don't know what. start working for me? yeah. it will.