What's holding me back?

Myself. I'm the only thing that's holding me back.
I could have any resources I want, they're all open to me. I just have to choose them.
I have the terrible ambivalence struggle where I want to want to be perfectly fine and to work towards recovery...but I'm just...meh. My heart's just not in it.

I know the medical risks, people are trying to scare me into getting better by telling me at any given moment my heart could explode, but somehow I don't care.

There is a part of me that wants it, so don't get me wrong. A part of me wants this more than anything. Part of me is so fucking tired of living like this and of being controlled by this fucking beast. But the other part is just...afraid? Maybe? To let it go? I've let it define me for so long that I don't feel like I have an identity without it.

I mean, I'm sure there's a person behind my eating disorder...I'm just afraid of who that person is. I clearly hated that person at age 12-13, and that's why I wanted to change in the first place.

I feel like it tames me, similar to the way getting drunk or high has a calming effect.
Eating makes me a crazy bitch, but purging calms me down because it gets it out. It's the release of the tension of a bomb in my stomach.

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I really really hate myself for not wanting it. I hate disappointing people and seeing them look at me like "that" when I tell them that, no. I don't want to get better. I want to get thin.