pros and cons.

thank you for the idea.
i'm actually writing it out.

pros and cons are broken down into being healthy and unhealthy and i contradicted my unhealthy thoughts in red. yayyyyy split journaling. 

staying at school/doing the hospital program.
PROS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind')
friends
schoolwork
i like it here
i can do treatment at the hospital

unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder): 
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
yeah. it is. and that's why i'm in this situation in the first place. 

CONS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'): 
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
new therapists don't really work out for me
i hate telling 'my story' over and over and over again
but maybe having new perspectives on it would change how i react?

unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder): 
i'm ready to pack up and leave the relationships i've established because they're freaking me out.
that's fucking retarded. i can't keep leaving people (even just friends) when i start getting close to them. that's a really great way to end up alone. and no matter how much i say i want that, it's bullshit.

going home
PROS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'): 
support of family
support of friends back home
getting to see people i miss from back home (aka people from ace. i hate everyone from high school.) 
i've already told my story at ace, aka...no starting over
i'm pretty sure it's what i need

unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder): 
getting to run away from relationships
we've been over this. 

CONS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'): 
i'd have to leave great people behind

unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder): 
will mean i failed at...
a.recovery 
isn't going back to try recovering again not failing at recovery? isn't it just trying harder? isn't failing at recovery giving up? going back is not the same thing as giving up. b.school  
my teachers are mostly on board with me finishing the semester at home. so i'd get credit for the semester and my credits make me a sophomore anyway... so nothing is wasted. and it's not like i'm dropping out of college completely.
c. work
getting a job was another way to distract myself from recovering. it was a way to not be around food and to be busier so i could be better at having my eating disorder. quitting it is showing more strength than failure.
d. being the kid in the family that doesn't fuck up
meh. this one is hard. recovering doesn't mean fucking up, though. correcting mistakes doesn't mean fucking up. it's not a weakness. taking a break to be healthy isn't the same thing as my brother failing out from getting fucked up on week nights/being too obsessed with his fraternity to bother going to class.
nothing bad has happened after having my ed for this long, so nothing bad will ever happen and i can just keep on going like i have been.
bullshit. if nothing bad had happened, i wouldn't be in this situation. 
people finding out/judging me, hard to tell... (family,friends from here/random people i've come across here (what will they think?), friends from high school)
fuck them. this has nothing to do with them. this is about me and me being able to actually live for once.
i'm overreacting. i'm not even *that* sick.
i'm pretty sure if i wasn't that sick, no one would have suggested me going home in the first place. i don't have to be underweight or visibly falling apart to be sick. my eating disorder is telling me i'm not sick because i'm not skinny but it's not about that in the first place.
it's probably not even going to work. again.
i've grown up a lot. i'm in a different mindset. i understand i need to get better. i can't judge the future like that. yeah, it could go either way. but i can fight like hell for it to go the right way. (aka, getting better and moving on)
it's just going to waste my parents' money. again.
they've said 10 million times it's not a financial burden at this point. they've said 10 million times that spending money on me getting healthy isn't wasting it.


meh?
longest list award goes to
unhealthy cons of going home. 

shortest list award is a 4 way tie between
healthy cons of going home
unhealthy pros of going home
healthy cons of staying at school 
and unhealthy pros of staying at school.

which says a lot.

...