make it stop.

i'm currently trying to think of a way to make all of this stop and go back a week to no one knowing about this that will make my life change.

the good news for my health is that i can't make it stop. i can't 'get out of it'. my mom knows. that's enough to ensure i'll be going somewhere for therapy. fuck my life.

i had another appointment this morning, and i cried. like an idiot. no, i didn't cry yesterday when she told me i should leave school. i didn't cry when she told me i had an appointment tomorrow for the hospital evaluation. i cried when she told me she wouldn't reschedule it to accommodate my work schedule. i told her i can't do 2:30 because i work at 3 and she goes...really? what's more important here?

and i get that. i really DO get that. but. at the same time....i literally started working there 3 weeks ago. and where the conversation ended up, she is already telling me to quit and i haven't even been evaluated yet.

this job was the first thing i've been excited about in a while. granted, most of the excitement came from the hefty discount they give us...but also because that was the plan. i planned to come to lake forest and get a job at j.crew. and for the first time in forever something actually worked out according to a plan i made for MYSELF. (besides anything that has to do with ed shit) and i did that. myself. i'm not a very mature 18 year old, i can tell you that much. my mom still calls and sets up my hair appointments. and as dumb as a part time retail job sounds...it meant a lot that i had that and now i'm losing it. and i really enjoyed it. and also, i don't know how to tell them that although i've worked a grand total of 7 times i have to stop now. because i'm not capable of taking care of myself. and i have to call and tell them i can't work tomorrow because of a 'medical emergency'

but seriously. how hard would it have been to make my appointment earlier in the day? or another day? it's been 3 months, so waiting 2 days isn't going to be as detrimental as everyone is making it out to be.

and if we're looking for irony in the situation, the whole reason i backed out of the iop program here in the first place was because i GOT that job. and people told me that it'd overload me. i've tried that before. it did overload me. and now i'm quitting IT for therapy. awesome.

i hate that i cried in front of her of all people. i never cried in front of lori. and i never cried at ace. and i was comfortable in those places. definitely not comfortable in her office. it's probably one of the most uncomfortable places i've been.

i know i'm being stupid. because the way it's looking i might be leaving school soon...so obviously i won't be able to work in lake forest....but while i'm here...i'd like to. and. yeah. i know that's stupid. and i know i'm being dramatic. because my measly hardly-even-part-time job at a clothing store will hardly mean anything in the grand scheme of things. and i know that i need to have this evaluation. and i know that crying in a therapist's office isn't that big of a deal... i don't know. i just wanted to be stronger.

anyway. i was supposed to call and confirm the appointment/give them insurance info but i started studying my ass off instead so i wouldn't have to think about any of this. and by the time i remembered i had to be responsible, my phone was dead. so i left a message. but at least i'll ace a test for a class i'm probably not going to get any credit for anyway. yay, priorities.

i want it to stop. i want it to stop ruining everything.

"Fuck you."

So, I got a letter in the mail yesterday.
It's from Olivia.

Around this time last year, I wrote her a letter apologizing for how bitchy I was when I found out she told my parents. I was actually, legitimately grateful for her doing that after a couple of months of therapy, and I wanted to tell her thanks, for saving my life. I guess it was easy for me in the beginning. I took on the whole "oh, they know, so I'll just fix it" attitude. So I started eating less and not really purging. I told her I was sorry, and I tried to explain why I was so upset with her...I didn't think it was that complicated, honestly. She thought I had no reason to be mad. But anyway. I thanked her and said it was the best thing anyone had ever done for me and that I was finally going to get better and live again. I knew that most of it was bullshit upon writing it, I guess...because days later I just started everything up again.

She mentioned that in her letter. She said she still reads mine from time to time and through the whole year of my up and downs in therapy...she wondered how much of it was bullshit. And now she said it's completely meaningless. Which I don't think is fair. But she kept going, saying that she's not going to watch me do this anymore. She's not going to say anything to my parents, but she's not going to sit back and pretend it isn't there.

BUT SHE'S IN NEW YORK. So don't fret. Because I am a safe distance away to hide it. There's just two rough weekends that we'll be together and I'll have to pretend a wee bit.

Anyway. It was really nice, don't get me wrong. I'm a little bitter right now, I know it's coming off that way.

But I read it right after lunch yesterday. Put it down. And purged.

I guess I don't give a shit about people anymore?
How could I read all about someone being concerned about me and pleading for me to do better on my own, or get help, and blatantly ignore it and just...purge.

Maybe I did just want to say...fuck you. Which is a really great attitude to have, obviously. I don't get why I have to do that. I don't get why I have to be such a bitch to people that just want to help me.

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I want nothing more than to isolate in my little hole.
BUT MY HOLE IS IN GEORGIA.