make it stop.

i'm currently trying to think of a way to make all of this stop and go back a week to no one knowing about this that will make my life change.

the good news for my health is that i can't make it stop. i can't 'get out of it'. my mom knows. that's enough to ensure i'll be going somewhere for therapy. fuck my life.

i had another appointment this morning, and i cried. like an idiot. no, i didn't cry yesterday when she told me i should leave school. i didn't cry when she told me i had an appointment tomorrow for the hospital evaluation. i cried when she told me she wouldn't reschedule it to accommodate my work schedule. i told her i can't do 2:30 because i work at 3 and she goes...really? what's more important here?

and i get that. i really DO get that. but. at the same time....i literally started working there 3 weeks ago. and where the conversation ended up, she is already telling me to quit and i haven't even been evaluated yet.

this job was the first thing i've been excited about in a while. granted, most of the excitement came from the hefty discount they give us...but also because that was the plan. i planned to come to lake forest and get a job at j.crew. and for the first time in forever something actually worked out according to a plan i made for MYSELF. (besides anything that has to do with ed shit) and i did that. myself. i'm not a very mature 18 year old, i can tell you that much. my mom still calls and sets up my hair appointments. and as dumb as a part time retail job sounds...it meant a lot that i had that and now i'm losing it. and i really enjoyed it. and also, i don't know how to tell them that although i've worked a grand total of 7 times i have to stop now. because i'm not capable of taking care of myself. and i have to call and tell them i can't work tomorrow because of a 'medical emergency'

but seriously. how hard would it have been to make my appointment earlier in the day? or another day? it's been 3 months, so waiting 2 days isn't going to be as detrimental as everyone is making it out to be.

and if we're looking for irony in the situation, the whole reason i backed out of the iop program here in the first place was because i GOT that job. and people told me that it'd overload me. i've tried that before. it did overload me. and now i'm quitting IT for therapy. awesome.

i hate that i cried in front of her of all people. i never cried in front of lori. and i never cried at ace. and i was comfortable in those places. definitely not comfortable in her office. it's probably one of the most uncomfortable places i've been.

i know i'm being stupid. because the way it's looking i might be leaving school soon...so obviously i won't be able to work in lake forest....but while i'm here...i'd like to. and. yeah. i know that's stupid. and i know i'm being dramatic. because my measly hardly-even-part-time job at a clothing store will hardly mean anything in the grand scheme of things. and i know that i need to have this evaluation. and i know that crying in a therapist's office isn't that big of a deal... i don't know. i just wanted to be stronger.

anyway. i was supposed to call and confirm the appointment/give them insurance info but i started studying my ass off instead so i wouldn't have to think about any of this. and by the time i remembered i had to be responsible, my phone was dead. so i left a message. but at least i'll ace a test for a class i'm probably not going to get any credit for anyway. yay, priorities.

i want it to stop. i want it to stop ruining everything.

I Need to Hurt

I need to hurt or I need to hurt something. I need to match the emotional pain I'm going through in a physical manner. My stomach is tightened into a thousand knots and I feel too nauseous to eat, but I'm forcing myself because it's psychological. I'm not sick (besides my eating disorder at least). 

I feel like I should have exploded a long time ago--I felt like I was going to break down for the longest time but I kept it in. I'm like a malfunctioned bomb. I flipped my shit a little bit after my car accident, but I didn't even flip out as much as I just joked about it constantly. That's the last time I cried, though. The time before that...I can't even remember. I don't let myself, but sometimes I do yearn for it. I remember watching other people just opening up and letting themselves be vulnerable in groups... or even my friends, who would cry in movies...how do people let themselves show that kind of raw emotion? I can't let myself be like that. I don't think crying makes people weak. I think it makes me weak. But what kind of double standard is that? I feel it coming on and I dig my fingernails into myself to make my eyes stop watering, to make the emotional pain subside. I feel stupid crying because I don't know what I'm crying about. I don't know what my underlying issues are. Nothing huge happened to make me this way...I feel like such a faker. I have heard so many terrible stories about how people used symptoms as coping mechanisms and the only thing I can trace mine back to is having weigh-ins at dance class and being insecure. Everybody has insecurities, but not everybody has an eating disorder. So why did I have to take it that far? Did I do this on purpose? I've heard a lot of people say 'it just happened'... but I can remember googling tips, making collages of thin people, carrying around pictures of myself looking fat so I wouldn't eat. I did it to myself. I practiced purging so I could make less noise and not use hands. I worked really hard to perfect this. It didn't just happen. Which makes me hate myself even more for doing it on purpose when I have had a good life. My parents are happily married. None of my family members have died. We are well-off financially, I'm in the school I want to be in. I have everything I want but I still sabotaged my life because I was overweight. And it just doesn't make any sense, and it kills me inside and now we're back. I need to hurt. 

I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else, I'll put that disclaimer out there. But I want to scream as loud as possible in the silent library or run until I can't breathe or punch my hand through a window. or purge or cut  

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO USE SYMPTOMS TODAY

so for the love of god, could someone shut ED up? 

(sorry for the most inarticulate thing I've ever written)