I Need to Hurt

I need to hurt or I need to hurt something. I need to match the emotional pain I'm going through in a physical manner. My stomach is tightened into a thousand knots and I feel too nauseous to eat, but I'm forcing myself because it's psychological. I'm not sick (besides my eating disorder at least). 

I feel like I should have exploded a long time ago--I felt like I was going to break down for the longest time but I kept it in. I'm like a malfunctioned bomb. I flipped my shit a little bit after my car accident, but I didn't even flip out as much as I just joked about it constantly. That's the last time I cried, though. The time before that...I can't even remember. I don't let myself, but sometimes I do yearn for it. I remember watching other people just opening up and letting themselves be vulnerable in groups... or even my friends, who would cry in movies...how do people let themselves show that kind of raw emotion? I can't let myself be like that. I don't think crying makes people weak. I think it makes me weak. But what kind of double standard is that? I feel it coming on and I dig my fingernails into myself to make my eyes stop watering, to make the emotional pain subside. I feel stupid crying because I don't know what I'm crying about. I don't know what my underlying issues are. Nothing huge happened to make me this way...I feel like such a faker. I have heard so many terrible stories about how people used symptoms as coping mechanisms and the only thing I can trace mine back to is having weigh-ins at dance class and being insecure. Everybody has insecurities, but not everybody has an eating disorder. So why did I have to take it that far? Did I do this on purpose? I've heard a lot of people say 'it just happened'... but I can remember googling tips, making collages of thin people, carrying around pictures of myself looking fat so I wouldn't eat. I did it to myself. I practiced purging so I could make less noise and not use hands. I worked really hard to perfect this. It didn't just happen. Which makes me hate myself even more for doing it on purpose when I have had a good life. My parents are happily married. None of my family members have died. We are well-off financially, I'm in the school I want to be in. I have everything I want but I still sabotaged my life because I was overweight. And it just doesn't make any sense, and it kills me inside and now we're back. I need to hurt. 

I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else, I'll put that disclaimer out there. But I want to scream as loud as possible in the silent library or run until I can't breathe or punch my hand through a window. or purge or cut  

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO USE SYMPTOMS TODAY

so for the love of god, could someone shut ED up? 

(sorry for the most inarticulate thing I've ever written)