I think that's a good thing because everything I post on here is negative.
I was just sitting here, in the library, hungry. I was telling myself that it was a good thing, that the burn and tightness in my stomach meant I was losing weight. That it made me pretty. So I told myself to shut the fuck up and went up to the library cafe and got pretzels and grapes. I'm going to fight it. I was going to say 'if it kills me'...but the point is for it not to kill me.
Recovery doesn't have to mean the extreme that I've been making it. I've been thinking that it's super disordered of me to pass up dessert when everyone gets it. Or, to get veggies instead of fries. So I went insane and was over-challening myself so I'd seem normal. That didn't really work because it made me too uncomfortable and anxious, so I kept using symptoms. It's not disordered to get veggies instead of french fries. It is if you never will eat french fries. It's not disordered to pass up dessert...it is is you never allow yourself something sweet.
I started reading Life Without Ed over the summer and she says something about this. She talks about feeling like she had to get the highest calorie item on the menu to prove she didn't have an eating disorder...and then goes on to say that behavior like that is still disordered, it's unhealthy to get the highest-calorie item every time. But, if you want it, you should treat yourself and get it.
“…Although Counter Ed pretends to be my ally, he is really just as controlling as Ed. With the exception of a binge, Ed will not allow me to eat anything in between meals. Counter Ed, on the other hand, will make me eat a huge snack between breakfast an lunch even if I am not hungry. He just wants to ensure that I am not restricting….” -Jenni Schaefer, Life After Ed
I'm turning my day around from the meal plan I configured in my head on my way to class to satisfying meals that look good to me. I don't have to get the mashed potatoes. I just have to get something.
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