I'm having trouble wanting this. I know I need to fight, but I don't have it in me. I just read a friend from therapy's blog and it really hit close to home. I'm thinking really shitty things about recovery. I'm convincing myself that I'm not THAT sick, no one even knows about my eating disorder at this school except the lady in the counseling center I blabbed to (CM). And the lady in the wellness center that does my physical exams/monitors my weight (K) (what a fucker). My friend, S even makes comments to me about what I'm eating at lunch. "You just worked out? Why are you eating pasta then, that's probably 800 calories...you'll need to go the the gym again...and a cookie? Really?" My first instinct was to say "Oh, don't worry, S, I'm throwing this up right after I finish anyway" but I just said fuck you and scarfed it down. It made me more proud to purge that knowing that he thought I was
actually ingesting those calories. But I also felt the need to tell him that I'm not that weak to succumb to pasta. And I wish I could have told him off in a way that didn't expose my eating disorder...I could have told him that his comment was extremely hurtful, unnecessary, and inappropriate. But I cursed at him and laughed. My roommate says he was joking. But it still bothers me. And my roommate hardly eats anything...and I'm worried about it. I don't know if I'm hyper-sensitve to people's eating habits or something, but I know for sure that a salad for dinner (no protein on it) isn't nearly enough. But there are plenty of normal people out there that eat lightly and wouldn't have a problem eating more heavily...but
actually weren't hungry. I don't get that.
School stress is starting again. How can I get 5/5 on all of my English papers and still feel like I failed at it?
I'm supposed to go to ultimate frisbee practice today and my old therapist, RR's words are going through my head: "if you purged, you have to wait 24 hours for physical activity." It's not like it's a lot of physical activity, but we run laps and I know that half of a lap will go by and my heart rate will be at 188.
I feel so whiney. I'm just tired of this.
babe, be careful. please. i know exactly where you're coming from. I go from i'm fine to fucking a get me the hell out of this hellhole 100 times a day...
ReplyDeletejust know at the end of the day, we ( down here in the good ole south ) have your back, we care a ot about you and please please take care of yourself.
we all struggle with ambivalence and i wish i had better advice to give to you about it....
xoxo
-Lisa
I know exactly what you're talking about with looking at other people's eating habits. My coworker (and the only person at work who knows about my ED) literally will bring a tupperware with fruit in it and that's all she'll eat all day plus maybe some nuts somewhere along the way. It kills me. I find myself giving her "the eye" as if to say "Shannon, you know that's not healthy," but I know how I would feel if someone did that to me, so I just joke around with her about it like it doesn't matter. I've been down that road in a really unhealthy way and I know I felt like shit, so I don't get how they can get by on that either. Just know that whether your friend was kidding or not, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
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