these people suck.

now they're saying residential.
my mom talked to the lady at the hospital who said that i seem to be anti-recovery, therefore a 'relaxed' treatment environment doesn't seem right for me at this point.

and i didn't want to hear that.

i want to flip the switch or go back in time and stop this.
i'm scaring the shit out of myself...i don't understand why i can't stop. because it is...just food. and it's such a simple concept, to eat. to eat and NOT purge.

i don't understand why i did this. if i could understand that...i feel like i'd be set in recovery.
but i don't think i had a reason.

ughhhh fuckkkkkkking shit.

.

i want to be able to control what i feel.
i'll let you know when i figure out how that works.

make it stop.

i'm currently trying to think of a way to make all of this stop and go back a week to no one knowing about this that will make my life change.

the good news for my health is that i can't make it stop. i can't 'get out of it'. my mom knows. that's enough to ensure i'll be going somewhere for therapy. fuck my life.

i had another appointment this morning, and i cried. like an idiot. no, i didn't cry yesterday when she told me i should leave school. i didn't cry when she told me i had an appointment tomorrow for the hospital evaluation. i cried when she told me she wouldn't reschedule it to accommodate my work schedule. i told her i can't do 2:30 because i work at 3 and she goes...really? what's more important here?

and i get that. i really DO get that. but. at the same time....i literally started working there 3 weeks ago. and where the conversation ended up, she is already telling me to quit and i haven't even been evaluated yet.

this job was the first thing i've been excited about in a while. granted, most of the excitement came from the hefty discount they give us...but also because that was the plan. i planned to come to lake forest and get a job at j.crew. and for the first time in forever something actually worked out according to a plan i made for MYSELF. (besides anything that has to do with ed shit) and i did that. myself. i'm not a very mature 18 year old, i can tell you that much. my mom still calls and sets up my hair appointments. and as dumb as a part time retail job sounds...it meant a lot that i had that and now i'm losing it. and i really enjoyed it. and also, i don't know how to tell them that although i've worked a grand total of 7 times i have to stop now. because i'm not capable of taking care of myself. and i have to call and tell them i can't work tomorrow because of a 'medical emergency'

but seriously. how hard would it have been to make my appointment earlier in the day? or another day? it's been 3 months, so waiting 2 days isn't going to be as detrimental as everyone is making it out to be.

and if we're looking for irony in the situation, the whole reason i backed out of the iop program here in the first place was because i GOT that job. and people told me that it'd overload me. i've tried that before. it did overload me. and now i'm quitting IT for therapy. awesome.

i hate that i cried in front of her of all people. i never cried in front of lori. and i never cried at ace. and i was comfortable in those places. definitely not comfortable in her office. it's probably one of the most uncomfortable places i've been.

i know i'm being stupid. because the way it's looking i might be leaving school soon...so obviously i won't be able to work in lake forest....but while i'm here...i'd like to. and. yeah. i know that's stupid. and i know i'm being dramatic. because my measly hardly-even-part-time job at a clothing store will hardly mean anything in the grand scheme of things. and i know that i need to have this evaluation. and i know that crying in a therapist's office isn't that big of a deal... i don't know. i just wanted to be stronger.

anyway. i was supposed to call and confirm the appointment/give them insurance info but i started studying my ass off instead so i wouldn't have to think about any of this. and by the time i remembered i had to be responsible, my phone was dead. so i left a message. but at least i'll ace a test for a class i'm probably not going to get any credit for anyway. yay, priorities.

i want it to stop. i want it to stop ruining everything.

mindless wanderings. fuck fuck fuck.

I'm starting to wimp out. bahhh. Cindy, the counseling center lady, e-mailed back. My appointment is Wednesday at 2.

I just have an aversion to therapy. I've tried this. I know I probably didn't try hard enough...but I sometimes feel like I'm not going to get better at all, and it's just how I am...or maybe I'm not even as sick as I think. Maybe I'm overreacting. I know that part probably isn't true, but it's something I've always struggled with...especially since I actually started therapy. The first appointment I had with Lori, there was a clearly anorexic girl in the waiting room. So pale. So frail. It killed me to look at her because of the insane amount of pain I saw in her eyes. I'm not saying I wish I was close to dying of starvation, or that I wish I was THAT thin...but. I don't look sick. It's hard that eating disorder umbrellas people that are at dangerously low weights, normal weights, and dangerously high weights. It can be anyone...and that makes it hard for me. Because I look normal. It's just hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have a similar illness to someone that is that sick looking. And I know comparing gets me no where. I did that to myself at ACE a lot. I didn't feel like I was supposed to be there because some of the girls were struggling more. People that are terrified to finish their meals...and I generally had a pretty easy time...I'd just purge it after. I don't know. It's stupid. But I hate being treated for something I'm not even sure I have. I understand I have the bulimia/ednos label...whatever the fuck I am these days. But I still don't accept the fact that it's true sometimes. Saying "I have an eating disorder" is hard. Because the general, uneducated public thinks that means someone underweight. Which I'm not.

Weight shouldn't play such a big role in my life. I hate that it does. I bought a scale though, so that was a bad idea, for obvious reasons. I shouldn't be allowed to monitor my own weight or know it at all. The number controls me too much.

I'm not making any sense right now. I'm just really scared. I feel like I'm walking into my very first therapy appointment again. Sitting in the waiting room terrified of what was going to happen....

I can't fuck it up again. Not this time. I went back on my own this time. I wasn't forced. There's no way I can mess it up this time and have a good reason behind it, or have it be ok.

I don't know if I'm ready to be healthy still. And that's what scares me. Because I'm scared I'm not ready. and I'm annoyed that I'm not ready. And I'm going anyway. And maybe that's good. But. Fuck. KLAJSFLKJASLFKJLASKFJLKSJFLKJSALFJSLKDJFLKJASAOIFJKLSADJFLKJSGLJKLSDFJKLSJFKLSJFKLJSLKJFGOIJVKM

fucking fuck. I need to scream.

I knew it wouldn't last.

As soon as me and Trevor had the conversation...that one where I established that I really am not attracted to him, and just wanted to be friends...he stopped talking to me about anything of substance.

Normally, if I would have texted him freaking out, he would have been at my dorm in 3 seconds flat to talk about it. But he texted back: :\ shit happens, sorry.

I'M SORRY I BUSTED YOUR FUCKING BALLS. But is that really the only reason you pretended to care? Because you wanted some ass?

I have trust issues anyway. And somehow that motherfucker drew me in and I had an inkling of trust for him. This is exactly why I don't get close to people. Exactly. He only pretended to care because he wanted to fuck. I know not all people are horny assholes...but why does everyone that I come across, that I decide to trust a little bit fuck me over?

Everyone has the ability to change their mind, and leave. So who's to say they won't? Because everyone has so far. So how do I think differently when I haven't seen this firsthand?

I'm going to stop the melodrama and toot my own horn now so I can end on a happy note.

At breakfast, I had chocolate milk. and cereal. Not just fruit and water.
I know it's not balanced nutritionally or anything...but...no. That's why I'm proud. I didn't purge sugary cereal and chocolate milk. And it was pretty good, too.

I HATE PEOPLE.

1. People are untrustworthy. They can leave at any point. Who's to say they won't?
2. They say things to make you feel better when you're one on one, but in a group they don't defend it. They still laugh at stuff they know hurts you, they still joke about it even though they said they 'get it'.
3. They say they'll never tell anyone and then all of a sudden say 'you need to see someone'.

I'm not going to more therapy, you bastard. I told you that the first time we talked about this. I made it clear. I knew I shouldn't have told you. We can't do this anymore if you're going to say and think shit like that. You can't pretend for over a week that you've completely forgotten and then say you want me to go back to therapy.

It's not happening. Therapy doesn't work for me.

And this, kids, is why you shouldn't drink on Thursday nights.
Especially with people that know things they shouldn't.

It's taking everything.

I hate the part of this that keeps me from focusing. I used to love reading. I loved losing myself in literature.I can't focus on it now. I can only focus on..."did I get everything up? Should I go back and try and get more up? If I drink tonight I need to have something in me so I won't make an ass out of myself (again) and puke everywhere"...

I hate that I can't get those thoughts in the box and lock it, close it, and throw it away. I can't get it out of my mind. (maybe I need to talk about it. Process it)

I skipped both my classes today.
I don't do stuff like that. I'm supposed to be the good student.



Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
I NEED TO HIT SOMETHING. I need to hurt. I don't need another scar. I don't. I won't do it. I'm
not leaving the lounge until this feeling passes.

i have no words. literally.

I can't fully articulate anything that I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of mehhhhh, dskfjlasdkjflkjaslgkjlkasdjoiasd=fgjskljfdfkjsad, and I NEED TO FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING. 

I'm skipping my English class on Wednesday to finally start training at J.Crew. I know it's not a good idea, but this is something that I actually want to do, and I'm not used to having that. So fuck English, I never say anything anyway. French test Wednesday, paper due tomorrow....sigh. I forgot about how shitty I am at getting my work done on time. I went to bed at 7:30am this morning. Not to whine and sound like I want sympathy. But...when I was doing better...towards exams and the end of the school year, I could work better. I could focus on relating globalization to translated literature rather than the fact that my arms feel like they're shaking when I type.

I'm such a buzz kill around my friends, too. I can feel it. They're all talking and laughing and I just kind of...sit there. I feel bad that I'm the one that's pulling everyone down because of my issues. I'm the fucked up one...which makes me want to isolate. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING ISOLATE BECAUSE I HAVE THREE FUCKING ROOMMATES. One that is incompetent at cleaning a bathroom. Hair on the shower walls does not equal clean. I just end up cleaning it, and I don't mind...I know I'm controlling like that. But I'm still going to be pissed off because it's all I know how to feel, I think.

Anger? I'm ok with feeling that. Sadness? No.

I'm never hungry but I'm never full. I'm so glad I don't have to check in at meal groups. I don't have a number. And my anxiety? Through the roof. Always. 10,000. Is that an acceptable answer?

Not being able to articulate makes me not want to try and make it better. It makes it hard to know how to.

I NEED TO BREAK OR HURT SOMETHING. or scream. 




fuck it. just. fuck it.

Out of Control

Today has definitely been one of those days I just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. I said that yesterday too, but it has nothing on today. Eating disorder-wise, at least. I'm drained--completely. I almost skipped class today because my stomach was hurting so badly...it could have been so many different things. I don't know which speculation is right...I just hope it doesn't happen again. I'm thinking it was a combination of 3 or 4 different things I shouldn't have been doing.  Basically, I need to be more careful. I'm fucking myself up here. But besides going to class today, I did nothing but sleep. Oh, and eat.

My eating disorder was absolutely raging today. Lately, it's been that I can't eat...the thought makes me nauseous--I've been having trouble even drinking tea. But today, it was a whole different story. I couldn't get enough to eat. I don't even want to think about how many calories I ingested...
I purged it all, of course...so now I feel absolutely terrible. I don't think I could have stuffed more food in me if I tried...and by the amount of purges I had, god damn. I'm insanely weak, both physically and emotionally.

I need someone safe here. Trevor is obviously getting safer, and is helping me a lot...but I still don't trust him. I still don't want to call him and make him come sit with me, even though he keeps telling me to. I couldn't even do that with my friends back home that I'd known for years. I should have gotten some kind of support today though. I knew that I needed it, but I turned to my eating disorder instead. And now, I hate myself for it. Part of me is thinking I should go back to counseling and at least have something...but god, I'd rather die. Then there's the EDA meetings in the city...I just don't have to motivation to drag my ass all the way down there. I know being in a group that understands again would be very helpful...but I don't want to go. There's that part of me that knows I should force myself to go, just once. I don't have to go back. I was always like that with new ACE groups too...starting new ones, even after months of getting acquainted there terrified me. I knew almost all of the girls and therapists there, but I hated being the new kid in the room. I always 'liked' the groups though...as much as one can enjoy therapy, at least. It's just taking the step off the ledge and hoping you land somewhere safe. Part of it is that it's in the city. I'm really terrible at getting cabs, and I would undoubtedly get lost trying to find the building. I know I'm not the only person with an eating disorder at this school...I just wish I could channel someone to go with me, or something. The only way I know to even try to set that up is by talking to a counselor and asking them to bring it up to other people they see...and have them contact me if they are interested. But I don't want to go back to that place, so I won't. The other thing I could do is go to a center for eating disorders here, either through the hospital or a specialized place...also in the city. That's tricky though because it means getting my parents involved.

All I know is that I need more support than I have if I am going to make any progress at all. I felt so out of control today, I felt like it was a year ago again and I was seeing Lori for the first few times, going behind everyone's back and purging out of control, almost passing out everyday. It's a terrible, terrible feeling and it makes it even worse that it has a peculiar aspect of comfort, like sinking into my bed at the end of the day and falling asleep.

So, I'm lost because I don't know what my parents would say. And I know I don't technically have to tell them, and I could go to counseling and EDA...but I don't want therapy to litter college. But my eating disorder is already taking a huge motherfucking dump on it. AGH, AMBIVALENCE. fuck you.

Ignorant Assholes.

"I could never be anorexic, I like food too much. I'd be bulimic though. It's really the smartest idea ever, because you can eat whatever the hell you want and lose weight."

I'M SO GLAD I HEARD THAT TODAY.

Because too bad you hardly lose weight--and if you do, it's probably because you're dehydrated. And never mind the fact that it can kill you.

I just LOVE the ignorance surrounding eating disorders. Even the anorexia comment--as if people choose it as a diet. Give up carbs? Nah, I'll just give up food altogether. If it was that FUCKING easy, people  wouldn't need to get such intense treatment. If it was about...vanity? Goddamn. I left the library when I heard it. I couldn't sit there for the rest of the conversation.

People suck.

Today was a terrible, terrible day. I should never have gotten out of bed.