i have no words. literally.

I can't fully articulate anything that I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of mehhhhh, dskfjlasdkjflkjaslgkjlkasdjoiasd=fgjskljfdfkjsad, and I NEED TO FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING. 

I'm skipping my English class on Wednesday to finally start training at J.Crew. I know it's not a good idea, but this is something that I actually want to do, and I'm not used to having that. So fuck English, I never say anything anyway. French test Wednesday, paper due tomorrow....sigh. I forgot about how shitty I am at getting my work done on time. I went to bed at 7:30am this morning. Not to whine and sound like I want sympathy. But...when I was doing better...towards exams and the end of the school year, I could work better. I could focus on relating globalization to translated literature rather than the fact that my arms feel like they're shaking when I type.

I'm such a buzz kill around my friends, too. I can feel it. They're all talking and laughing and I just kind of...sit there. I feel bad that I'm the one that's pulling everyone down because of my issues. I'm the fucked up one...which makes me want to isolate. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING ISOLATE BECAUSE I HAVE THREE FUCKING ROOMMATES. One that is incompetent at cleaning a bathroom. Hair on the shower walls does not equal clean. I just end up cleaning it, and I don't mind...I know I'm controlling like that. But I'm still going to be pissed off because it's all I know how to feel, I think.

Anger? I'm ok with feeling that. Sadness? No.

I'm never hungry but I'm never full. I'm so glad I don't have to check in at meal groups. I don't have a number. And my anxiety? Through the roof. Always. 10,000. Is that an acceptable answer?

Not being able to articulate makes me not want to try and make it better. It makes it hard to know how to.

I NEED TO BREAK OR HURT SOMETHING. or scream. 




fuck it. just. fuck it.