faaaaaaat.

I'M SUCH AN ANNOYING GIRL.
I try my hardest to not be that annoying girl that's bringing everyone down and being completely obsessed with her appearance and shit. But I definitely am. We went to Trevor's last night, like usual to drink and smoke and whatever...but I was in the worst mood ever because my eating disorder was not letting me think. I saw myself in the mirror and my legs are so damn fat I can't even begin to explain it. What the hell. It's all I could think about. I didn't drink, I didn't want to. (There's a plus to the ed then...) But I didn't want to do anything. They were playing cards, I didn't participate. They played never have I ever (which I hate anyway)...but I didn't play that either. I was just playing games on my phone and shit. I wanted to leave, and that's the only thing I actually wanted to do. Trevor of course noticed and got all clingy and worried, but I didn't want to tell him what was up. I can't just say "oh, well...I don't want to be around any of you because my thighs are huge." and then they went to a big party and I went back to my room. Again, I couldn't be around people looking like that. And I hate that it controls me like this. I hate that I have to be such a slave to it that I won't even leave my room because I feel like I'm not going to be able to get through the door. I know I need to challenge it so I can get through this week without going insane restricting...
but seeing pictures of my thighs in all their glory didn't really help the cause.

I don't like being like this.