There's this slideshow my dad made me for graduation. There are a bunch of categorized songs...we've got your baby pictures, the pictures from my days of dancing, friends, family...and then the last one which is essentially a progression of my life.
It's essentially a progression of my eating disorder.
When I was bigger, I was happier. Before some asshole dance teacher told me to lose weight, at least...I was happy. I knew I was bigger than the other girls, but I had killer self esteem throughout elementary and the beginning of middle school. I thought I was a badass, and anyone who thought differently could just shove it. And I had a lot of friends...I was outgoing and friendly...compared to now. I'm shy, reserved, and stand offish. I would never ever describe myself in a positive light. I can't imagine how I could be. And what kills me the most, is that the head shots I got taken when I was doing acting stuff...they were taken when I started all of this. And I thought they were terrible. They're really not that bad. I wish I could tell my 12 year old self that it's fucking normal to be awkward looking in 7th grade. I'd tell myself that thinking you're beautiful makes you pretty. Confidence is gorgeous. I've been told that a lot by people...as if they think I don't agree. I do agree. But it's not that easy. I can't just wake up tomorrow and be confident with myself. I wish I could, though. I wish it was that quick of a fix. I may have chosen this at first, and I may have wanted it at one point, but I would never do it the same. I may still want it sometimes...but if there was a pill you could take to make it better, or if the time machine was invented...I would not hesitate to change it. So maybe that just makes me lazy.
Unrelated....one of my new favorite things to do is cross off the days on my calendar. It's like "I survived another one." Likewise, erasing a whole month and writing a new one is is just as 'exciting' to me.
Anyway. I'm tired of looking for symbolism in all of my actions...I thought I was going somewhere with that but maybe i'm just delirious and sleep deprived. First day of work: T-minus 4.5 hours.
Goal for tomorrow/today=go to bed at a reasonable hour. a.k.a....before 2am. Maybe midnight.
WOW COULD I BE LESS ELOQUENT.
when my goal to get an early night...it was before 2 Am as well...haha
ReplyDeletebabe, I miss you. Seeing myself grow as a child is the exact same thing...seeing my eating disorder grow....
hang in there
<3
hey, i know this is probs pretty weird, but i came across this from postsecret... but i can relate. quite a lot really. which is why i've been reading...
ReplyDeletebut the confidence thing - maybe it is a matter of waking up one day and being confident. deciding, just for that day, you're going to be your young self. pre-ed. it may work for a few hours. it may work for about 30sec... but hey! it may work for most of the day. why not enter the day with that mindset?
and maybe it's not a matter of being totally comfortable with yourself and loving every inch, but being comfortable enough to see that others might need loving, need friendship. other people are just as screwed up!! other people need as much support.
wow - sorry for the length, and the lecturing. and from a stranger.... :) but you sound like such a lovely girl if you'd just let yourself be loved! hang in there. it sucks. but you can get past this. and you will.
goodluck