It's taking everything.

I hate the part of this that keeps me from focusing. I used to love reading. I loved losing myself in literature.I can't focus on it now. I can only focus on..."did I get everything up? Should I go back and try and get more up? If I drink tonight I need to have something in me so I won't make an ass out of myself (again) and puke everywhere"...

I hate that I can't get those thoughts in the box and lock it, close it, and throw it away. I can't get it out of my mind. (maybe I need to talk about it. Process it)

I skipped both my classes today.
I don't do stuff like that. I'm supposed to be the good student.



Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
I NEED TO HIT SOMETHING. I need to hurt. I don't need another scar. I don't. I won't do it. I'm
not leaving the lounge until this feeling passes.

i have no words. literally.

I can't fully articulate anything that I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of mehhhhh, dskfjlasdkjflkjaslgkjlkasdjoiasd=fgjskljfdfkjsad, and I NEED TO FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING. 

I'm skipping my English class on Wednesday to finally start training at J.Crew. I know it's not a good idea, but this is something that I actually want to do, and I'm not used to having that. So fuck English, I never say anything anyway. French test Wednesday, paper due tomorrow....sigh. I forgot about how shitty I am at getting my work done on time. I went to bed at 7:30am this morning. Not to whine and sound like I want sympathy. But...when I was doing better...towards exams and the end of the school year, I could work better. I could focus on relating globalization to translated literature rather than the fact that my arms feel like they're shaking when I type.

I'm such a buzz kill around my friends, too. I can feel it. They're all talking and laughing and I just kind of...sit there. I feel bad that I'm the one that's pulling everyone down because of my issues. I'm the fucked up one...which makes me want to isolate. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING ISOLATE BECAUSE I HAVE THREE FUCKING ROOMMATES. One that is incompetent at cleaning a bathroom. Hair on the shower walls does not equal clean. I just end up cleaning it, and I don't mind...I know I'm controlling like that. But I'm still going to be pissed off because it's all I know how to feel, I think.

Anger? I'm ok with feeling that. Sadness? No.

I'm never hungry but I'm never full. I'm so glad I don't have to check in at meal groups. I don't have a number. And my anxiety? Through the roof. Always. 10,000. Is that an acceptable answer?

Not being able to articulate makes me not want to try and make it better. It makes it hard to know how to.

I NEED TO BREAK OR HURT SOMETHING. or scream. 




fuck it. just. fuck it.

unfocused.

I'm posting on this entirely too often, but it's been a rough day. I'm using this as a replacement to my journal which I used in excess as well--this is SO much easier...to type than to write.

Anyway, shortly after my last post, I e-mailed CM and told her I wasn't going to talk to my parents and I'm not going to do the groups. I told her I was going to wait a few weeks and see if as I get more accustomed to being here it gets easier and also see what my work schedule is like. I know I'm doing this to distract myself from my eating disorder, and as L commented...I know the right answer. It's like I'm in class and I'm too shy to raise my hand. I know I can do it, I'm just so damn ambivalent.

The day didn't end well. I went absolutely insane with symptoms...but I didn't go to frisbee or work out and aggravate my heart even more, so there is one recovery-oriented thing I've done today.

I can't focus on my homework. Due to anxiety? That's what RR diagnosed it as when I was having trouble in high school. My lit teacher, Mr. T gave me really awesome strategies to help too (I broke down in class one day and ended up telling him everything. His wife is a therapist for eating disorder patients, and he does a lot to understand.) I'm not using any strategies for schoolwork or for myself. I need to force myself to do it until it gets easier and I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day. I will not use symptoms and I will do my homework in a gentle, well-paced manner so I don't flip my shit and get overwhelmed. How do normal people do it? How do normal people sit in the library all day and just focus on one thing? How do they go to the cafeteria and eat a normal meal and still have focus and control over their life? My friend, T pointed out something interesting. I have had an anxiety-related eye twitch for a huge chunk of high school that went away for the most part with my old meds but still shows itself sometimes. It's like I'm winking, and T and I had an awkward moment because he thought I was winking at him. He jokes around about it a lot--I don't really mind, but tonight after dinner he goes..."Why do you only twitch when you eat?" Now, how the hell did I not notice that?

I think I'm more capable than I give myself credit for. I had a whole month purge-free this summer...which is amazing considering towards the end of the school year, I was days away from being put in inpatient for the summer. When I put my mind to it, I can fight my ED voice. I think I just freaked out because of the weight gain. Which was ridiculous considering I was eating normally...well normally for a person on the cusp of recovery...I wasn't eating enough to gain the weight that I did. RR told me that I needed to let my metabolism regulate. It took too long, but I can't purge forever. I can go through the discomfort and gain some extra padding for the Chicago winters and let my metabolism regulate. It just doesn't seem like I should have to gain weight in recovery when I'm at the higher end of a normal weight anyway.

Sometimes, I just want to take a knife and slice my fat off.