right now, i want

to eat everything on my food shelf.
to spend all of my dollars and quarters on vending machine snacks.
and to stay bent over the toilet all morning getting it all back up.
and to go to the gym tomorrow and run until i pass out. 

but this isn't that big of a deal. and i can get through it without this deteriorating cycle.
it is 1:39 am. i need to just go to bed. i can sleep this off. it's not that big of a deal. it's not.

i'm bad at relationships and that's ok. maybe it's the wrong time, maybe it's the wrong guy.
maybe lucy's right and it really IS just the idea of him i'm attracted to and not him.

i'm struggling with not using symptoms because i'm hungry.
and it's really late. and i feel like i shouldn't eat at 1:42 am. and i'm worried that if i do, i won't stop.

i can get through the morning without using symptoms, without hurting myself further.
i can. i will.

(but i'm skipping class in the morning)

new plan:
watch friends, go to bed. sleep IN and well, be rested in the morning....then....i'm going to figure my life out.

please please please email me, you stupid dean.