i need answers. gkljasklfjasd grr.

WHY IS NOTHING CONCRETE?
i just want to know the exact time rachel's going to call.
"this evening"....my impression is that 4-6ish is evening and then 6+ is night...and it's 6:34 in atl.
i know i'm over thinking it but that i haven't gotten a call makes me think that she doesn't want to talk to me. and i understand that because any time we talked, it never really went anywhere. i just want/need to have her opinion and her...blessing? that i should be coming home? i usually didn't listen to her...so it's weird that now i need to know if she thinks this is right.
i'm also just anxious.
i have really good intentions about what i need to process with this phone call.
i always have really good intentions going into any session/group...i just can't make myself say it.

i think....it might be different this time.
i don't know why.
i have a more open mind. maybe. right now i do.

i'm still nervous about possibly living at home again.
i'm nervous about what the fuck i'll be doing on weekends/when i'm not at ace.
i'm nervous about stupid shit like thanksgiving and christmas when relatives ask me how school is going and i have to tell them i had to drop out because i'm disgusting and can't get my head out of the toilet.

both sides have long, long lists of pros and cons. and i don't know which one to go with.

1. the fucking dean needs to answer my e-mail.
2. rachel needs to call.
3. i need to tell my mom i lied to her.
4. i need to quit work.

then we can see where we are.
i hate growing up.