do they say howdy here? seems like they would...since it's a desert. and there are cowboys in the desert. hmm. anywho.
residential is shaping up to be quite an...interesting experience.
the good news is that i haven't purged or binged or cut since i've been here. and. i don't know if that's an accomplishment...because i can't. well. i could. but...it doesn't seem like progress since if i left i'd go right back into it. i still think of eating boxes of chocolate poptarts and stealing my roommates ID to get milk to wash it down with, then purging in our room...trying to be quiet. and it seems like such a terrible chain of events now that i think back on it. but i still..yearn for it. and that kind of freaks/creeps me out. that's why i'm here though. and it's been less than a week. so it has to get fucking better. i'm banking on that.
i had to tell 'my story' last night. and...it kind of hit me, what the therapist was saying. i know that i have had a guard up my whole life, but it never seemed to be as big of a guard as i thought. and i'm starting to realize all the shit i have to work through...and she made it seem like it was a big deal, and that it mattered that i'd gone through it...that i wasn't just making it up. and i always have feared it...that i'm lying to myself and everyone and i could just stop at any point. but it's not like that. it's a real problem and i have real issues to work through. and they matter..it's not petty bullshit that a 13 year old came up with. well, not all of it.
the best thing in the world for me, though, was yesterday at the gym.
i have been going to the gym....obsessively at school. and, i have always gone at night after a bunch of purging, or in the morning after a bunch of purging. so, my heart freaks out and palpitates after less than a mile. the doctor said that i should run again and see how it is after proper nutrition.
i did last night and i ran a little bit over a mile. and it was freeing. and amazing. and it sounds stupid. because it's just a mile. but. yeah. it meant a lot to me.
i'm still struggling with connecting.
but according to the therapist from group last night...i should be struggling with connecting, and it's not surprising. but i need to work on it rather than isolate myself and do little dumb puzzles in my puzzle book from the fabulous minnesota airport i was in for five hours.
i don't know. it's the beginning.
so i guess this is to be continued.
this week has been up and down, and all over (so i should probably take those meds seriously...haha.)
so. maybe. it will....i don't know what. start working for me? yeah. it will.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Finally.
I guess it's about time I update with my actual final concrete plans. I've been waiting to have this for a while--certainty.
I'm leaving at 9:10 a.m. Monday morning for Mirasol in Arizona. Lay over in Minneapolis. Arrive in Arizona at 1:35 p.m. I'm extremely nervous, anxious, and scared. I have been crying for the majority of the week. Especially when I got the e-mail of my flight itinerary from my dad.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm actually leaving.
This is always what you hear about in health class in middle school.
They teach you about consequences of behavior they believe to be dangerous.
They say that a sip of alcohol will make you addicted and you'll end up in rehab.
A hit of marijuana, and you'll end up in rehab.
One cigarette, and you'll get lung cancer.
Sex out of marriage, and you'll get pregnant.
Eating disorder, and you end up in a residential treatment center.
I was always afraid that was where I'd be. I was always afraid I'd get 'thrown in' a residential center.
I'm less afraid of it in the sense that it's punishment.
It's fear of letting it go, it's nervous fear.
I've done plenty of stalking of the website.
Plenty of judging the therapists by where they got their undergrads and doctorates.
I have the weekly schedule memorized, and I've watched the virtual tour so many times I definitely already know my way around.
The uncertainty of the other girls is what is tripping me up the most.
I know it will be fine. Becuase they'll understand me and they have all been in my position of the first day there before.
I'm afraid of after. If I waste all of the money and effort that's getting and keeping me there.
But I won't know until I try.
I won't know until I try wholeheartedly.
I really really really AM ready to get better. I'm ready to let go of the bullshit.
But I'm afraid because it is something I'll always have in the back of my mind. It will never simply 'go away'...it doesn't work like that.
I'm sad I'm missing the holidays. But there will be more.
I'm trying to be positive, and it's coming through a lot more right now than it has been lately.
Sigh. See you all in 47 days.
<3
I'm leaving at 9:10 a.m. Monday morning for Mirasol in Arizona. Lay over in Minneapolis. Arrive in Arizona at 1:35 p.m. I'm extremely nervous, anxious, and scared. I have been crying for the majority of the week. Especially when I got the e-mail of my flight itinerary from my dad.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm actually leaving.
This is always what you hear about in health class in middle school.
They teach you about consequences of behavior they believe to be dangerous.
They say that a sip of alcohol will make you addicted and you'll end up in rehab.
A hit of marijuana, and you'll end up in rehab.
One cigarette, and you'll get lung cancer.
Sex out of marriage, and you'll get pregnant.
Eating disorder, and you end up in a residential treatment center.
I was always afraid that was where I'd be. I was always afraid I'd get 'thrown in' a residential center.
I'm less afraid of it in the sense that it's punishment.
It's fear of letting it go, it's nervous fear.
I've done plenty of stalking of the website.
Plenty of judging the therapists by where they got their undergrads and doctorates.
I have the weekly schedule memorized, and I've watched the virtual tour so many times I definitely already know my way around.
The uncertainty of the other girls is what is tripping me up the most.
I know it will be fine. Becuase they'll understand me and they have all been in my position of the first day there before.
I'm afraid of after. If I waste all of the money and effort that's getting and keeping me there.
But I won't know until I try.
I won't know until I try wholeheartedly.
I really really really AM ready to get better. I'm ready to let go of the bullshit.
But I'm afraid because it is something I'll always have in the back of my mind. It will never simply 'go away'...it doesn't work like that.
I'm sad I'm missing the holidays. But there will be more.
I'm trying to be positive, and it's coming through a lot more right now than it has been lately.
Sigh. See you all in 47 days.
<3
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
lkjaslkfj
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
this is going to be good for me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
i can't do this.
I know that it's possible, apparently, to recover.
I just don't think I'm strong enough. I don't feel like I can get through this.
Pending insurance, I'm leaving for Arizona on Monday.
I love Thanksgiving. Well, I hate Thanksgiving. I love my Grandmother's house, and I love Texas. I love shopping for 12 hours straight on Black Friday...requiring multiple trips to the car because we buy so much shit we can't even hold it. My extended family is pretty fucking insane, but it's always entertaining.
I'll be in treatment.
I love Christmas. Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I still can't sleep on Christmas morning and make everyone wake up at 5:00 a.m. to open presents...yeah, I never grew out of that one. But it's not the presents that makes it Christmas. It's my dad glaring at me and Kelly and Michelle while we disrupt Christmas Eve mass, it's the crazy Christmas Eve traditions we have...watching Anchorman, the non-traditional meal we have: lasagna..because it was Mr. Bill's favorite. It's the matching pajamas Miss. Joan gets us and all of us cramming in the trunk of my dad's car to drive creepily through neighborhoods, looking at lights even though none of us have given a shit about it for 5 years, at least. It's the home movies we watch over hot chocolate, even though it's not even cold in Georgia yet.
I'll be in treatment.
There will be more Thanksgivings, there will be more Christmases...but that I'm missing THIS year seems unbearably difficult. I'm missing reuniting with the few people I like from high school, the ceremony where we receive our IB diplomas, and standing in endless mall lines doing last minute shopping with my mom.
I haven't seen my mom since October. We fight a lot and I bitch about her more than I bitch about anyone, but she's honestly my best friend. And I know they'll visit at least once while I'm in treatment, but...damn. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to be an adult and do this.
I'm so damn tired of dealing with this.
I hate that I have been sitting here trying to convince myself to eat something for going on 3 hours.
I'm so fucking anxious I can't function.
I have a French test tomorrow......nothing is sticking.
Part of me is relieved to finally go somewhere that could help me be free of this.
Part of me is happy that I'll be away from the holidays and my family...it may be my favorite thing ever, but it does really trigger me. Now that I think about it, I went to ACE right after the holidays...
And yet another part of me is excited to be around people that actually get it.
I know that I need this. But I'm just scared. I'm scared to tell my friends I'm leaving. (Read: I'm scared to tell Trevor.) But I'm more afraid of telling the people I am not as close with that I'm leaving. Or...not of telling them...but of them noticing. The people in my classes, the people that always end up being at the same parties as me...and my extended family that has no idea about this. They think I'm smart and strong...so what will they think when they find out about this.
I've said it a million times before, but I'm just so fucking terrified of letting go of this and it doesn't make sense.
I hate changing my mind from being ready to fight it and get better to wanting nothing more but to go back in time and not tell anyone I started struggling.
Maybe insurance will fuck up and I won't go.
I can't decide what emotion that would make me feel.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
If only I wasn't in the library right now.
Bright side = I'm not missing Harry Potter
I just don't think I'm strong enough. I don't feel like I can get through this.
Pending insurance, I'm leaving for Arizona on Monday.
I love Thanksgiving. Well, I hate Thanksgiving. I love my Grandmother's house, and I love Texas. I love shopping for 12 hours straight on Black Friday...requiring multiple trips to the car because we buy so much shit we can't even hold it. My extended family is pretty fucking insane, but it's always entertaining.
I'll be in treatment.
I love Christmas. Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I still can't sleep on Christmas morning and make everyone wake up at 5:00 a.m. to open presents...yeah, I never grew out of that one. But it's not the presents that makes it Christmas. It's my dad glaring at me and Kelly and Michelle while we disrupt Christmas Eve mass, it's the crazy Christmas Eve traditions we have...watching Anchorman, the non-traditional meal we have: lasagna..because it was Mr. Bill's favorite. It's the matching pajamas Miss. Joan gets us and all of us cramming in the trunk of my dad's car to drive creepily through neighborhoods, looking at lights even though none of us have given a shit about it for 5 years, at least. It's the home movies we watch over hot chocolate, even though it's not even cold in Georgia yet.
I'll be in treatment.
There will be more Thanksgivings, there will be more Christmases...but that I'm missing THIS year seems unbearably difficult. I'm missing reuniting with the few people I like from high school, the ceremony where we receive our IB diplomas, and standing in endless mall lines doing last minute shopping with my mom.
I haven't seen my mom since October. We fight a lot and I bitch about her more than I bitch about anyone, but she's honestly my best friend. And I know they'll visit at least once while I'm in treatment, but...damn. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to be an adult and do this.
I'm so damn tired of dealing with this.
I hate that I have been sitting here trying to convince myself to eat something for going on 3 hours.
I'm so fucking anxious I can't function.
I have a French test tomorrow......nothing is sticking.
Part of me is relieved to finally go somewhere that could help me be free of this.
Part of me is happy that I'll be away from the holidays and my family...it may be my favorite thing ever, but it does really trigger me. Now that I think about it, I went to ACE right after the holidays...
And yet another part of me is excited to be around people that actually get it.
I know that I need this. But I'm just scared. I'm scared to tell my friends I'm leaving. (Read: I'm scared to tell Trevor.) But I'm more afraid of telling the people I am not as close with that I'm leaving. Or...not of telling them...but of them noticing. The people in my classes, the people that always end up being at the same parties as me...and my extended family that has no idea about this. They think I'm smart and strong...so what will they think when they find out about this.
I've said it a million times before, but I'm just so fucking terrified of letting go of this and it doesn't make sense.
I hate changing my mind from being ready to fight it and get better to wanting nothing more but to go back in time and not tell anyone I started struggling.
Maybe insurance will fuck up and I won't go.
I can't decide what emotion that would make me feel.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
If only I wasn't in the library right now.
Bright side = I'm not missing Harry Potter
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What's holding me back?
Myself. I'm the only thing that's holding me back.
I could have any resources I want, they're all open to me. I just have to choose them.
I have the terrible ambivalence struggle where I want to want to be perfectly fine and to work towards recovery...but I'm just...meh. My heart's just not in it.
I know the medical risks, people are trying to scare me into getting better by telling me at any given moment my heart could explode, but somehow I don't care.
There is a part of me that wants it, so don't get me wrong. A part of me wants this more than anything. Part of me is so fucking tired of living like this and of being controlled by this fucking beast. But the other part is just...afraid? Maybe? To let it go? I've let it define me for so long that I don't feel like I have an identity without it.
I mean, I'm sure there's a person behind my eating disorder...I'm just afraid of who that person is. I clearly hated that person at age 12-13, and that's why I wanted to change in the first place.
I feel like it tames me, similar to the way getting drunk or high has a calming effect.
Eating makes me a crazy bitch, but purging calms me down because it gets it out. It's the release of the tension of a bomb in my stomach.
aklsfjlkasjfkljasfjaieosjflkajsdfljaslkfakjsfklajfs
I really really hate myself for not wanting it. I hate disappointing people and seeing them look at me like "that" when I tell them that, no. I don't want to get better. I want to get thin.
I could have any resources I want, they're all open to me. I just have to choose them.
I have the terrible ambivalence struggle where I want to want to be perfectly fine and to work towards recovery...but I'm just...meh. My heart's just not in it.
I know the medical risks, people are trying to scare me into getting better by telling me at any given moment my heart could explode, but somehow I don't care.
There is a part of me that wants it, so don't get me wrong. A part of me wants this more than anything. Part of me is so fucking tired of living like this and of being controlled by this fucking beast. But the other part is just...afraid? Maybe? To let it go? I've let it define me for so long that I don't feel like I have an identity without it.
I mean, I'm sure there's a person behind my eating disorder...I'm just afraid of who that person is. I clearly hated that person at age 12-13, and that's why I wanted to change in the first place.
I feel like it tames me, similar to the way getting drunk or high has a calming effect.
Eating makes me a crazy bitch, but purging calms me down because it gets it out. It's the release of the tension of a bomb in my stomach.
aklsfjlkasjfkljasfjaieosjflkajsdfljaslkfakjsfklajfs
I really really hate myself for not wanting it. I hate disappointing people and seeing them look at me like "that" when I tell them that, no. I don't want to get better. I want to get thin.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
still confused.
I'm going to dinner with Trevor and his fraternity tonight. It's this "etiquette dinner" thing they're holding. I wonder if proper etiquette includes purging.
I don't want to go.
I love getting dressed up, but I don't like it in this....'date' situation. I don't know. I'm worried I won't look good enough and being on display in front of a bunch of frat guys.
And Trevor is wanting to get more serious and it's making me want to see him less. Because whether or not I want it, I'm afraid of it.
And I am still in the same mode where I want to lay in my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
My motivation to drink myself into oblivion has gone significantly down, which is probably a good thing. I'm tired of having to piece my night together the next morning over Excedrin and Gatorade.
Sooo that makes it hard to get up and go to this damned dinner tonight...if I just want to go to bed after. (alone.)
I think I'm staying here, though.
I mean...I'm probably doing a few weeks to a month of a residential/inpatient thing in some midwestern state in the time between thanksgiving and christmas. But I'm going to be here next semester....and yes, I'll be doing groups and shit. But I'll be at school.
I'm...happy? about it. I'm extremely nervous. I'm extremely anxious.
I'm worried that school and treatment will cancel each other out. I've made it clear that I value school over other things. I made that clear last year in treatment. I was going to use symptoms if it helped me cope with stress of exams better...and it did, so I did.
And I have a rough semester next semester...don't ask me why I decided to switch from English to Business major. I'm keeping my double in Comm and minor in French..but now I have to do finite math or calc by the end of my first year and I fucking hate numbers. So, HELLO 8am math class!
I don't know about it. I'm confused at how I went from going to residential for 2-4 months to doing a month at the most of something similar and then iop...at school.
And I don't know if that's a wise decision or if I'm just glad I'm getting away with it so I don't miss stuff I'm excited about next semester.
...And...part of my uneasiness of being here has to do with Trevor I think. I can't be platonic with him, but I don't want to hold his hand or him to kiss me in public. And I don't want to go to fancy dinners with him.
slkfjalskfjlkajsflkj I don't know what to wear.
(and i still have to quit work. i'm calling tomorrow. i will not go to the holiday meeting. i will not go to my shift this week. i will quit tomorrow. haskfjalskfjklajsf I DON'T WANT TO.)
I don't want to go.
I love getting dressed up, but I don't like it in this....'date' situation. I don't know. I'm worried I won't look good enough and being on display in front of a bunch of frat guys.
And Trevor is wanting to get more serious and it's making me want to see him less. Because whether or not I want it, I'm afraid of it.
And I am still in the same mode where I want to lay in my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
My motivation to drink myself into oblivion has gone significantly down, which is probably a good thing. I'm tired of having to piece my night together the next morning over Excedrin and Gatorade.
Sooo that makes it hard to get up and go to this damned dinner tonight...if I just want to go to bed after. (alone.)
I think I'm staying here, though.
I mean...I'm probably doing a few weeks to a month of a residential/inpatient thing in some midwestern state in the time between thanksgiving and christmas. But I'm going to be here next semester....and yes, I'll be doing groups and shit. But I'll be at school.
I'm...happy? about it. I'm extremely nervous. I'm extremely anxious.
I'm worried that school and treatment will cancel each other out. I've made it clear that I value school over other things. I made that clear last year in treatment. I was going to use symptoms if it helped me cope with stress of exams better...and it did, so I did.
And I have a rough semester next semester...don't ask me why I decided to switch from English to Business major. I'm keeping my double in Comm and minor in French..but now I have to do finite math or calc by the end of my first year and I fucking hate numbers. So, HELLO 8am math class!
I don't know about it. I'm confused at how I went from going to residential for 2-4 months to doing a month at the most of something similar and then iop...at school.
And I don't know if that's a wise decision or if I'm just glad I'm getting away with it so I don't miss stuff I'm excited about next semester.
...And...part of my uneasiness of being here has to do with Trevor I think. I can't be platonic with him, but I don't want to hold his hand or him to kiss me in public. And I don't want to go to fancy dinners with him.
slkfjalskfjlkajsflkj I don't know what to wear.
(and i still have to quit work. i'm calling tomorrow. i will not go to the holiday meeting. i will not go to my shift this week. i will quit tomorrow. haskfjalskfjklajsf I DON'T WANT TO.)
Friday, November 12, 2010
I'm not quite sure this has a point.
All I really want to do is lay in my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
1. It's clearly quality trash television.
2. I'm running out of outfit inspiration
3. Chuck Bass is so fucking hot it should be illegal.
4. There's too much on my mind to do anything other than mindlessly indulge in the drama of the Upper East Side.
There are more options being formed which are, in turn, stressing me out to no end.
Final answer now pushed back to...Tuesday. I swear to god, I'm going to fucking graduate before anyone decides what to do with me. I'm not even going into the new things that I'm being told because it involves the formation of many new possibilities, all of which I hate and frankly, it's useless for me to pick apart each one of them...all of them will have pros and cons and all of them will get me in a better place than I am right now. And that place=HELL.
And my lovely brother is causing all kinds of shenanigans, making me feel bad/guilty for not being able to be the good kid anymore that my parents can fall back on. Now they've raised two screw-ups and I could go on for pages about that whole situation and section of my issue.
Sigh. I just want to be here through the week so I don't miss the Harry Potter premiere.
Now, back to Gossip Girl. It's very intense stuff. Dan just LIED to Serena about a girl being over and now she's not asking him to the masked ball and he wants to go and it's awwwwwwkwarrrrrddddd.
Nate is also looking extremely attractive and I wish I had Blair Waldorf's wardrobe. (and bod. shhhh.)
oh, and ps: it's midnight on a friday and i'm sober. first? probably. go me. and insurance sucks. and so do males. and so do eating disorders. aaaaaaandddd...... it smells kind of weird in here. i need to find febreze.
1. It's clearly quality trash television.
2. I'm running out of outfit inspiration
3. Chuck Bass is so fucking hot it should be illegal.
4. There's too much on my mind to do anything other than mindlessly indulge in the drama of the Upper East Side.
There are more options being formed which are, in turn, stressing me out to no end.
Final answer now pushed back to...Tuesday. I swear to god, I'm going to fucking graduate before anyone decides what to do with me. I'm not even going into the new things that I'm being told because it involves the formation of many new possibilities, all of which I hate and frankly, it's useless for me to pick apart each one of them...all of them will have pros and cons and all of them will get me in a better place than I am right now. And that place=HELL.
And my lovely brother is causing all kinds of shenanigans, making me feel bad/guilty for not being able to be the good kid anymore that my parents can fall back on. Now they've raised two screw-ups and I could go on for pages about that whole situation and section of my issue.
Sigh. I just want to be here through the week so I don't miss the Harry Potter premiere.
Now, back to Gossip Girl. It's very intense stuff. Dan just LIED to Serena about a girl being over and now she's not asking him to the masked ball and he wants to go and it's awwwwwwkwarrrrrddddd.
Nate is also looking extremely attractive and I wish I had Blair Waldorf's wardrobe. (and bod. shhhh.)
oh, and ps: it's midnight on a friday and i'm sober. first? probably. go me. and insurance sucks. and so do males. and so do eating disorders. aaaaaaandddd...... it smells kind of weird in here. i need to find febreze.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
these people suck.
now they're saying residential.
my mom talked to the lady at the hospital who said that i seem to be anti-recovery, therefore a 'relaxed' treatment environment doesn't seem right for me at this point.
and i didn't want to hear that.
i want to flip the switch or go back in time and stop this.
i'm scaring the shit out of myself...i don't understand why i can't stop. because it is...just food. and it's such a simple concept, to eat. to eat and NOT purge.
i don't understand why i did this. if i could understand that...i feel like i'd be set in recovery.
but i don't think i had a reason.
ughhhh fuckkkkkkking shit.
my mom talked to the lady at the hospital who said that i seem to be anti-recovery, therefore a 'relaxed' treatment environment doesn't seem right for me at this point.
and i didn't want to hear that.
i want to flip the switch or go back in time and stop this.
i'm scaring the shit out of myself...i don't understand why i can't stop. because it is...just food. and it's such a simple concept, to eat. to eat and NOT purge.
i don't understand why i did this. if i could understand that...i feel like i'd be set in recovery.
but i don't think i had a reason.
ughhhh fuckkkkkkking shit.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
pros and cons.
thank you for the idea.
i'm actually writing it out.
pros and cons are broken down into being healthy and unhealthy and i contradicted my unhealthy thoughts in red. yayyyyy split journaling.
staying at school/doing the hospital program.
PROS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind')
friends
schoolwork
i like it here
i can do treatment at the hospital
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
yeah. it is. and that's why i'm in this situation in the first place.
CONS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
new therapists don't really work out for me
i hate telling 'my story' over and over and over again
but maybe having new perspectives on it would change how i react?
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
i'm ready to pack up and leave the relationships i've established because they're freaking me out.
that's fucking retarded. i can't keep leaving people (even just friends) when i start getting close to them. that's a really great way to end up alone. and no matter how much i say i want that, it's bullshit.
going home
PROS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
support of family
support of friends back home
getting to see people i miss from back home (aka people from ace. i hate everyone from high school.)
i've already told my story at ace, aka...no starting over
i'm pretty sure it's what i need
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
getting to run away from relationships
we've been over this.
CONS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
i'd have to leave great people behind
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
will mean i failed at...
a.recovery
isn't going back to try recovering again not failing at recovery? isn't it just trying harder? isn't failing at recovery giving up? going back is not the same thing as giving up. b.school
my teachers are mostly on board with me finishing the semester at home. so i'd get credit for the semester and my credits make me a sophomore anyway... so nothing is wasted. and it's not like i'm dropping out of college completely.
c. work
getting a job was another way to distract myself from recovering. it was a way to not be around food and to be busier so i could be better at having my eating disorder. quitting it is showing more strength than failure.
d. being the kid in the family that doesn't fuck up
meh. this one is hard. recovering doesn't mean fucking up, though. correcting mistakes doesn't mean fucking up. it's not a weakness. taking a break to be healthy isn't the same thing as my brother failing out from getting fucked up on week nights/being too obsessed with his fraternity to bother going to class.
nothing bad has happened after having my ed for this long, so nothing bad will ever happen and i can just keep on going like i have been.
bullshit. if nothing bad had happened, i wouldn't be in this situation.
people finding out/judging me, hard to tell... (family,friends from here/random people i've come across here (what will they think?), friends from high school)
fuck them. this has nothing to do with them. this is about me and me being able to actually live for once.
i'm overreacting. i'm not even *that* sick.
i'm pretty sure if i wasn't that sick, no one would have suggested me going home in the first place. i don't have to be underweight or visibly falling apart to be sick. my eating disorder is telling me i'm not sick because i'm not skinny but it's not about that in the first place.
it's probably not even going to work. again.
i've grown up a lot. i'm in a different mindset. i understand i need to get better. i can't judge the future like that. yeah, it could go either way. but i can fight like hell for it to go the right way. (aka, getting better and moving on)
it's just going to waste my parents' money. again.
they've said 10 million times it's not a financial burden at this point. they've said 10 million times that spending money on me getting healthy isn't wasting it.
meh?
longest list award goes to
unhealthy cons of going home.
shortest list award is a 4 way tie between
healthy cons of going home
unhealthy pros of going home
healthy cons of staying at school
and unhealthy pros of staying at school.
which says a lot.
...
i'm actually writing it out.
pros and cons are broken down into being healthy and unhealthy and i contradicted my unhealthy thoughts in red. yayyyyy split journaling.
staying at school/doing the hospital program.
PROS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind')
friends
schoolwork
i like it here
i can do treatment at the hospital
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
yeah. it is. and that's why i'm in this situation in the first place.
CONS.
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
it's easy to keep having an eating disorder when i can tell my parents via e-mail how i'm doing
new therapists don't really work out for me
i hate telling 'my story' over and over and over again
but maybe having new perspectives on it would change how i react?
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
i'm ready to pack up and leave the relationships i've established because they're freaking me out.
that's fucking retarded. i can't keep leaving people (even just friends) when i start getting close to them. that's a really great way to end up alone. and no matter how much i say i want that, it's bullshit.
going home
PROS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
support of family
support of friends back home
getting to see people i miss from back home (aka people from ace. i hate everyone from high school.)
i've already told my story at ace, aka...no starting over
i'm pretty sure it's what i need
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
getting to run away from relationships
we've been over this.
CONS
healthy (inspired by my 'wise mind'):
i'd have to leave great people behind
unhealthy (inspired by my eating disorder):
will mean i failed at...
a.recovery
isn't going back to try recovering again not failing at recovery? isn't it just trying harder? isn't failing at recovery giving up? going back is not the same thing as giving up. b.school
my teachers are mostly on board with me finishing the semester at home. so i'd get credit for the semester and my credits make me a sophomore anyway... so nothing is wasted. and it's not like i'm dropping out of college completely.
c. work
getting a job was another way to distract myself from recovering. it was a way to not be around food and to be busier so i could be better at having my eating disorder. quitting it is showing more strength than failure.
d. being the kid in the family that doesn't fuck up
meh. this one is hard. recovering doesn't mean fucking up, though. correcting mistakes doesn't mean fucking up. it's not a weakness. taking a break to be healthy isn't the same thing as my brother failing out from getting fucked up on week nights/being too obsessed with his fraternity to bother going to class.
nothing bad has happened after having my ed for this long, so nothing bad will ever happen and i can just keep on going like i have been.
bullshit. if nothing bad had happened, i wouldn't be in this situation.
people finding out/judging me, hard to tell... (family,friends from here/random people i've come across here (what will they think?), friends from high school)
fuck them. this has nothing to do with them. this is about me and me being able to actually live for once.
i'm overreacting. i'm not even *that* sick.
i'm pretty sure if i wasn't that sick, no one would have suggested me going home in the first place. i don't have to be underweight or visibly falling apart to be sick. my eating disorder is telling me i'm not sick because i'm not skinny but it's not about that in the first place.
it's probably not even going to work. again.
i've grown up a lot. i'm in a different mindset. i understand i need to get better. i can't judge the future like that. yeah, it could go either way. but i can fight like hell for it to go the right way. (aka, getting better and moving on)
it's just going to waste my parents' money. again.
they've said 10 million times it's not a financial burden at this point. they've said 10 million times that spending money on me getting healthy isn't wasting it.
meh?
longest list award goes to
unhealthy cons of going home.
shortest list award is a 4 way tie between
healthy cons of going home
unhealthy pros of going home
healthy cons of staying at school
and unhealthy pros of staying at school.
which says a lot.
...
Monday, November 8, 2010
it's my decision.
and i don't like that.
why won't someone just tell me to go home?
i'd do it if they just told me to do it.
but they're telling me i have to make the decision by myself.
and i can't admit to anyone that i want to just go home.
i don't want them to think i'm giving up.
this is taking way too long to happen.
why won't someone just tell me to go home?
i'd do it if they just told me to do it.
but they're telling me i have to make the decision by myself.
and i can't admit to anyone that i want to just go home.
i don't want them to think i'm giving up.
this is taking way too long to happen.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
right now, i want
to eat everything on my food shelf.
to spend all of my dollars and quarters on vending machine snacks.
and to stay bent over the toilet all morning getting it all back up.
and to go to the gym tomorrow and run until i pass out.
but this isn't that big of a deal. and i can get through it without this deteriorating cycle.
it is 1:39 am. i need to just go to bed. i can sleep this off. it's not that big of a deal. it's not.
i'm bad at relationships and that's ok. maybe it's the wrong time, maybe it's the wrong guy.
maybe lucy's right and it really IS just the idea of him i'm attracted to and not him.
i'm struggling with not using symptoms because i'm hungry.
and it's really late. and i feel like i shouldn't eat at 1:42 am. and i'm worried that if i do, i won't stop.
i can get through the morning without using symptoms, without hurting myself further.
i can. i will.
(but i'm skipping class in the morning)
new plan:
watch friends, go to bed. sleep IN and well, be rested in the morning....then....i'm going to figure my life out.
please please please email me, you stupid dean.
to spend all of my dollars and quarters on vending machine snacks.
and to stay bent over the toilet all morning getting it all back up.
and to go to the gym tomorrow and run until i pass out.
but this isn't that big of a deal. and i can get through it without this deteriorating cycle.
it is 1:39 am. i need to just go to bed. i can sleep this off. it's not that big of a deal. it's not.
i'm bad at relationships and that's ok. maybe it's the wrong time, maybe it's the wrong guy.
maybe lucy's right and it really IS just the idea of him i'm attracted to and not him.
i'm struggling with not using symptoms because i'm hungry.
and it's really late. and i feel like i shouldn't eat at 1:42 am. and i'm worried that if i do, i won't stop.
i can get through the morning without using symptoms, without hurting myself further.
i can. i will.
(but i'm skipping class in the morning)
new plan:
watch friends, go to bed. sleep IN and well, be rested in the morning....then....i'm going to figure my life out.
please please please email me, you stupid dean.
i need answers. gkljasklfjasd grr.
WHY IS NOTHING CONCRETE?
i just want to know the exact time rachel's going to call.
"this evening"....my impression is that 4-6ish is evening and then 6+ is night...and it's 6:34 in atl.
i know i'm over thinking it but that i haven't gotten a call makes me think that she doesn't want to talk to me. and i understand that because any time we talked, it never really went anywhere. i just want/need to have her opinion and her...blessing? that i should be coming home? i usually didn't listen to her...so it's weird that now i need to know if she thinks this is right.
i'm also just anxious.
i have really good intentions about what i need to process with this phone call.
i always have really good intentions going into any session/group...i just can't make myself say it.
i think....it might be different this time.
i don't know why.
i have a more open mind. maybe. right now i do.
i'm still nervous about possibly living at home again.
i'm nervous about what the fuck i'll be doing on weekends/when i'm not at ace.
i'm nervous about stupid shit like thanksgiving and christmas when relatives ask me how school is going and i have to tell them i had to drop out because i'm disgusting and can't get my head out of the toilet.
both sides have long, long lists of pros and cons. and i don't know which one to go with.
1. the fucking dean needs to answer my e-mail.
2. rachel needs to call.
3. i need to tell my mom i lied to her.
4. i need to quit work.
then we can see where we are.
i hate growing up.
i just want to know the exact time rachel's going to call.
"this evening"....my impression is that 4-6ish is evening and then 6+ is night...and it's 6:34 in atl.
i know i'm over thinking it but that i haven't gotten a call makes me think that she doesn't want to talk to me. and i understand that because any time we talked, it never really went anywhere. i just want/need to have her opinion and her...blessing? that i should be coming home? i usually didn't listen to her...so it's weird that now i need to know if she thinks this is right.
i'm also just anxious.
i have really good intentions about what i need to process with this phone call.
i always have really good intentions going into any session/group...i just can't make myself say it.
i think....it might be different this time.
i don't know why.
i have a more open mind. maybe. right now i do.
i'm still nervous about possibly living at home again.
i'm nervous about what the fuck i'll be doing on weekends/when i'm not at ace.
i'm nervous about stupid shit like thanksgiving and christmas when relatives ask me how school is going and i have to tell them i had to drop out because i'm disgusting and can't get my head out of the toilet.
both sides have long, long lists of pros and cons. and i don't know which one to go with.
1. the fucking dean needs to answer my e-mail.
2. rachel needs to call.
3. i need to tell my mom i lied to her.
4. i need to quit work.
then we can see where we are.
i hate growing up.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
the verdict. kind of.
i have been stalling on writing this and dealing with and processing everything that happened on thursday. i mean, yeah...i called my mom and yelled at her, saying that everything the DOCTORS were saying was bullshit and that they didn't know anything. and i cried so hard i couldn't breathe so lucy came over to talk but once she got here i somehow turned it off and pretended i was totally ok. and i have sent many angsty texts and fb chats back and forth with an assortment of people...but i haven't admitted to anyone but myself (or out loud) that this is going to be extremely helpful.
the hospital wants me to do 2 weeks of php and then continue with iop for the rest of the semester. which i don't want to do and i EXPRESSED that. (you're welcome, ryan). so their next idea was for me to go home and back to ACE....asap. which i liked somewhat better. which sounds weird because i don't really want to go home.
but. i don't want to be at school and do php. i wouldn't be in class...but i'd be living here. i don't want to live at school and see all the people in my classes and find a way to explain my 2 week disappearance...just in class. but i'd be here at night and on the weekends...and i don't like the stupid hospital. it's so..medical. and i don't like that they can...at any time...take my heart rate and blood or run any test they want just because they have a feeling something is wrong. or they can just....stick me in a hospital room and make me stay and watch me over night. that's way too much control..
and going back to ACE...I don't know. I go back and forth. I was starting to get comfortable talking there around the time I had to leave. So, that part makes me think that going back would be a good call because I'd be comfortable starting out and then I'd be able to talk more and make more progress. I also think I'm in a better recovery-minded-place right now than I was before I came to school. I mean, I've cursed the people making the decisions based on what's good for me right now, but I WAS the one that went to them despite being uneasy about it. I could have kept lying. I did have some pushing, but I've always had pushing. I accepted it this time and actually went to get help. So, I'm more understanding of needing it. And I can see where not getting it takes me. And when I was at ACE this summer, I was too busy constructing lies so I could get to college to think about recovering. I mean...if I was thinking about recovering, I wouldn't have come to college in the first place. But it's taught me a lot anyway. And then there's the bad parts of going back. Which aren't that bad. I'm just uneasy about the same thing I'm comfortable with--knowing all the therapists...and some of the girls there. I'm sure a lot of new people have cycled in at this point. They all know that this is what I wanted and I convinced them that this was going to be good for me...although I'm beginning to doubt that I fooled many of them. But it's admitting failure and defeat...which is hard. But I think it was a little bit expected...even though that sounds bad.
But I don't know anything for sure yet. Since I convinced my mom that the people trained to make these decisions WEREN'T trained to make these decisions, she is all confused and thinks I can stay here without the hospital program. Which is what I wanted 30 seconds after the appointment. And it's what my eating disorder wants. And it's what I want when I think about what/who I'll be leaving behind...after a really good night of getting shitfaced. But I know, in my 'wise mind' that I need to go home. I know that the people I've met here are really, really great, but if they're great enough they'll still be here when I get back (unless I decide to transfer)...and that I shouldn't only feel the pull here after a night of getting so wasted I actually sing karaoke in front of a bunch of people I don't know, dancing wildly with a tshirt over my dress that kept inching up and showing my ass. That's not the kind of image I want around me. I know that everything I'm doing here (whether it's connected to my eating disorder or not--though I think everything is connected somehow) is unhealthy. Extremely.
I have to schedule a meeting with the dean to see if I can salvage any of my semester at home. If I can do that, I'll pack now. If I could go home and still get credit for my semester, I'm in. I have accepted that I'll have to say goodbye to people...relationships aren't a big deal to me anyway....but I can't accept ditching my schoolwork. I can't accept not getting credit for working my ass off. Then I wouldn't feel like my parents wasted a bunch of money so I could relapse. There would be less guilt.
I'll try and schedule it sometime soon. I hope he has an opening Monday or Tuesday so I can know for sure what my plans are by the end of the week.
It's hard though, because Thanksgiving break is so close, and Christmas comes up riiiight after that. So part of me wants to just push through. I just don't know how good that would be. I can't decide.
I'm talking to Rachel (therapist at ACE) on the phone tomorrow. I can be honest with her (for the first time) and I trust that she knows what to do...even though the people here ARE trained to know what to do...I don't know them and I still feel like they're out to get me. At least I trust her a little bit more. Even if she's still a therapist, which I hate.
I JUST WANT SOMETHING CONCRETE. I want to know the date that I'm leaving or that I'm not at all so this isn't all up in the air, causing me more anxiety than I fucking need.
the hospital wants me to do 2 weeks of php and then continue with iop for the rest of the semester. which i don't want to do and i EXPRESSED that. (you're welcome, ryan). so their next idea was for me to go home and back to ACE....asap. which i liked somewhat better. which sounds weird because i don't really want to go home.
but. i don't want to be at school and do php. i wouldn't be in class...but i'd be living here. i don't want to live at school and see all the people in my classes and find a way to explain my 2 week disappearance...just in class. but i'd be here at night and on the weekends...and i don't like the stupid hospital. it's so..medical. and i don't like that they can...at any time...take my heart rate and blood or run any test they want just because they have a feeling something is wrong. or they can just....stick me in a hospital room and make me stay and watch me over night. that's way too much control..
and going back to ACE...I don't know. I go back and forth. I was starting to get comfortable talking there around the time I had to leave. So, that part makes me think that going back would be a good call because I'd be comfortable starting out and then I'd be able to talk more and make more progress. I also think I'm in a better recovery-minded-place right now than I was before I came to school. I mean, I've cursed the people making the decisions based on what's good for me right now, but I WAS the one that went to them despite being uneasy about it. I could have kept lying. I did have some pushing, but I've always had pushing. I accepted it this time and actually went to get help. So, I'm more understanding of needing it. And I can see where not getting it takes me. And when I was at ACE this summer, I was too busy constructing lies so I could get to college to think about recovering. I mean...if I was thinking about recovering, I wouldn't have come to college in the first place. But it's taught me a lot anyway. And then there's the bad parts of going back. Which aren't that bad. I'm just uneasy about the same thing I'm comfortable with--knowing all the therapists...and some of the girls there. I'm sure a lot of new people have cycled in at this point. They all know that this is what I wanted and I convinced them that this was going to be good for me...although I'm beginning to doubt that I fooled many of them. But it's admitting failure and defeat...which is hard. But I think it was a little bit expected...even though that sounds bad.
But I don't know anything for sure yet. Since I convinced my mom that the people trained to make these decisions WEREN'T trained to make these decisions, she is all confused and thinks I can stay here without the hospital program. Which is what I wanted 30 seconds after the appointment. And it's what my eating disorder wants. And it's what I want when I think about what/who I'll be leaving behind...after a really good night of getting shitfaced. But I know, in my 'wise mind' that I need to go home. I know that the people I've met here are really, really great, but if they're great enough they'll still be here when I get back (unless I decide to transfer)...and that I shouldn't only feel the pull here after a night of getting so wasted I actually sing karaoke in front of a bunch of people I don't know, dancing wildly with a tshirt over my dress that kept inching up and showing my ass. That's not the kind of image I want around me. I know that everything I'm doing here (whether it's connected to my eating disorder or not--though I think everything is connected somehow) is unhealthy. Extremely.
I have to schedule a meeting with the dean to see if I can salvage any of my semester at home. If I can do that, I'll pack now. If I could go home and still get credit for my semester, I'm in. I have accepted that I'll have to say goodbye to people...relationships aren't a big deal to me anyway....but I can't accept ditching my schoolwork. I can't accept not getting credit for working my ass off. Then I wouldn't feel like my parents wasted a bunch of money so I could relapse. There would be less guilt.
I'll try and schedule it sometime soon. I hope he has an opening Monday or Tuesday so I can know for sure what my plans are by the end of the week.
It's hard though, because Thanksgiving break is so close, and Christmas comes up riiiight after that. So part of me wants to just push through. I just don't know how good that would be. I can't decide.
I'm talking to Rachel (therapist at ACE) on the phone tomorrow. I can be honest with her (for the first time) and I trust that she knows what to do...even though the people here ARE trained to know what to do...I don't know them and I still feel like they're out to get me. At least I trust her a little bit more. Even if she's still a therapist, which I hate.
I JUST WANT SOMETHING CONCRETE. I want to know the date that I'm leaving or that I'm not at all so this isn't all up in the air, causing me more anxiety than I fucking need.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Boys are stupid.
I don't want him to give me butterflies.
I don't want to think about him.
I don't want to wait for his text messages.
I don't want to want him.
I don't want to like him.
My fate is decided in 3.5 hours.
I have never been this anxious in my life.
I'm at a cross between the sound of food making me sick and wanting to eat anything I can get my hands on. Or wanting to run until I collapse. Or wanting to scream, break something, hurt something.
So I'm just going to sleep. Or I might do something stupid.
Please. Please. Please....what? I don't even know what I want to happen.
(because I don't want recovery at all.)
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnnggggg shittttttttttttttttttt.
i hate having emotions. where the hell did my numbness go? alksfjlaksjfkasjdfoikl
I don't want him to give me butterflies.
I don't want to think about him.
I don't want to wait for his text messages.
I don't want to want him.
I don't want to like him.
My fate is decided in 3.5 hours.
I have never been this anxious in my life.
I'm at a cross between the sound of food making me sick and wanting to eat anything I can get my hands on. Or wanting to run until I collapse. Or wanting to scream, break something, hurt something.
So I'm just going to sleep. Or I might do something stupid.
Please. Please. Please....what? I don't even know what I want to happen.
(because I don't want recovery at all.)
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnnggggg shittttttttttttttttttt.
i hate having emotions. where the hell did my numbness go? alksfjlaksjfkasjdfoikl
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
People make me want to die.
"SO! Who wants to accompany me to the bathroom to throw this up after we're done?" -My gay best friend.
Considering the others there were Lucy and Trevor, and they know...they just kind of looked at me for a cue of what to do. I laughed. Awkwardly.
What I wanted to say was that since it's an extremely, not to mention deadly illness that has been robbing me of my life since I was in middle school it's probably one of the most un-funny, and degrading things he has ever, EVER said.
But I made a quick subject change and was a major bitch to him the rest of the night.
He makes those comments literally every time we eat.
I want to go apeshit on him.
I don't understand how people can think that's ok.
Especially when he preaches on acceptance for gays. Because after his snide little comments, he launches into a discussion about how he doesn't understand HOW people can DO that to themselves. (A similar conversation was had in relation to self injury). It's just so STUPID and frankly, he just hates throwing up. Which makes me want to say, OH. I just decided I'm gay now. So I'm gay. But, wait. NEVER MIND. I don't want to be gay anymore because it's just so, incredibly STUPID, and frankly, I can't imagine having sex with a girl. And maybe it's different because I obviously know he's gay and he doesn't know I have an eating disorder. And the two situations ARE extremely different....
But. I'm not going to make excuses for him.
It was wrong.
And I wish I could have said something besides just my awkward laugh.
But there's always next time.
Considering the others there were Lucy and Trevor, and they know...they just kind of looked at me for a cue of what to do. I laughed. Awkwardly.
What I wanted to say was that since it's an extremely, not to mention deadly illness that has been robbing me of my life since I was in middle school it's probably one of the most un-funny, and degrading things he has ever, EVER said.
But I made a quick subject change and was a major bitch to him the rest of the night.
He makes those comments literally every time we eat.
I want to go apeshit on him.
I don't understand how people can think that's ok.
Especially when he preaches on acceptance for gays. Because after his snide little comments, he launches into a discussion about how he doesn't understand HOW people can DO that to themselves. (A similar conversation was had in relation to self injury). It's just so STUPID and frankly, he just hates throwing up. Which makes me want to say, OH. I just decided I'm gay now. So I'm gay. But, wait. NEVER MIND. I don't want to be gay anymore because it's just so, incredibly STUPID, and frankly, I can't imagine having sex with a girl. And maybe it's different because I obviously know he's gay and he doesn't know I have an eating disorder. And the two situations ARE extremely different....
But. I'm not going to make excuses for him.
It was wrong.
And I wish I could have said something besides just my awkward laugh.
But there's always next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)