Dante's Inferno

"This way I went, descending from the first
into the second round, that holds less space 
but much more pain--stinging the soul to wailing"

"now here, then there, and up and down, it drives them
with never any hope to comfort them--
hope not of rest but even of suffering less"

"There is no greater pain
than to remember, in our present grief,
past happiness..."

It's just interesting how I can relate Dante walking around the bowels of Hell to my eating disorder. When I'm trying really hard to convince myself I'm not living in Hell right now, that it's completely ok and normal to live like this, but I can relate what I'm going through to Dante's description of Hell.

especially the last two.
'hope not of rest but even of suffering less'
the souls are in purgatory. they're being judged to whether they'll get to go to Heaven, Hell, or stay there. Purgatory is apparently the worst, which is weird to me. I relate it to mediocrity. You didn't do anything good enough to get into Heaven...but you don't suck enough to go to Hell. So no one will remember you for anything. You're left wondering what you could have done, what you could have been.
I'm not going to pretend like when I let myself feel, when I don't numb out, that I'm not hurting. And I'm not really looking to be completely better. I don't need that. I just want it to ease up a little bit. I'm not reaching for the stars here. ...and I'm not worried about it killing me. I'm worried about living like this forever.

and then, 'there is no greater pain than to remember, in our present grief, past happiness...' which is the most true of them all. To live not being able to do just that....to go through every day completely mechanically, and sitting down at the end of the day not really knowing what the fuck i did...it just being a blur...and then thinking of when i WAS happy. whenever the hell that was...maybe in like, elementary school. fuck. it makes me think of the time machine concept. if i could just go back to the time i was ok, the time i was just a liiiiiiitle bit happy...and savor that. and shake myself and tell myself to never let it get to me, to keep being that spunky, self confident, frizzy haired little kid attitude.

i'm doubtful if that made any sense at all. but anyway.
back to dante.