pain.

WHY DOES THIS HURT SO BAD?

Emotionally, I'm in knots. I just want to curl up and blare music.
I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of every minute of every day being a struggle. I have to force myself to do anything. To lift up the water bottle next to me. To put make up on. To eat.

New week. New scars. Weight lost. Friends lost.
(why am I happy about all of that?)

I fucked up.
Surely this can't be me.
Surely I can't be this pathetic. Is it possible?
Well. Obviously it's possible, but is it possible to really be like this, without influence?

I'm such a wreck. I can't get myself together, and I can't make myself want anything.
I seriously can't handle school this week. Thinking about actually getting up and going to class makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking about being productive and studying for my midterms...and doing well on them...I can't do that. And fucking work. I'm only scheduled 13 hours this week...but somehow it seems unbearable. SO PATHETIC.

I shouldn't stay here, I know I shouldn't. Yet I am meeting with my advisor and setting up my Spring schedule.
I'm looking at summer semester.

Part of me wants to go home and be where I know I'm *safe*. But the other part wants to stay here and let myself deteriorate.

It sounds so terrible, but at the same time, it sounds so peaceful.
I'm ashamed, but I just want to float away. I want to leave everyone and everything behind.
No worries, no struggles.

I'm so damn numb it's like that anyway. I can do anything in the world right now and feel nothing. I could yell at my roommate right now for smacking her gum and not feel a thing. I apparently "broke someone's heart" and I don't feel bad. I know I didn't eat anything red....but I don't feel worried. I am just here. I don't know how I'm here. It feels like there's a body and I'm three steps behind it (kind of like I'm high). It's like I'm watching someone do everything that I'm doing. I'm getting around mechanically. I don't know how I'm functioning. I don't think I am.

I did feel though. I felt elated when I saw the scale. Why is that the only instance in which I can feel something?