Decisions are being made and I don't really know my feelings on it.
The first thing Cindy said to me was...well, I think you know what you need to do.
I DO KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. SHE'S RIGHT.
Because if I could have done it here, I would have.
And the worst part is, I lied to her. I lied about the frequency I've been purging lately, and when she blatantly asked how much I'd been eating...I completely made up bullshit to make it sound like more....and she still said..."well, I think you should do a couple of weeks of inpatient and then go home where you don't have to worry about school."
What if she really knew? Would I already be packing?
I was supposed to call my mom and tell her that I'm back in hell completely. I didn't just have a minor setback that I'm going to fix in a month or two.
Well, I called her. But I ended up not saying anything and pretending like I just wanted to catch up.
I have to tell her though.
Cindy wants to conference call with me there tomorrow morning.
I'm going back to her tomorrow morning.
I can't skip it this time. She knows too much. I'm afraid she won't just sit and wait for me to make the right decision this time.
We're setting up an evaluation at an eating disorders center in a local hospital.
Because I was a little bitch and refused to just go home.
But if I'm truthful on all the little tests...and if I don't do stuff to normalize the blood tests and my weight...that's where I'm headed.
I was talking to a friend. And she said I needed this to mature. And she's right. Fucking with the people that are just trying to help me is extremely immature. If I lie, and make it seem like less than it is, I can't really get the help I need. It won't be enough.
Spring semester came up a lot today though. And so did next year. And the rest of this semester.
I'm trying to look big picture, and know I'd be missing out on more if I don't get the help I need and...die or something...than if I miss a semester or two...
Making this decision is extremely hard. Admitting that I failed at this is awful. Admitting that I was wrong about my strength to overcome this is unbearable. And there's the constant struggle in the back of my mind saying....what if it still doesn't work?
And on top of all of this...I have a shit ton of homework that is extremely, extremely hard to do if I think I might be leaving.
I am so proud.
ReplyDeleteI know you must be scared. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
T
i stumbled upon this. i want to say something smart, something helpful, but I don't know what to say. You know it is not going to magically go away.
ReplyDeleteDo you know that I am on my fourth college? I got kicked out of my first school for repeatedly fainting and refusing to enter a treatment program, the second one I really hardly remember - god only knows how many times I was binging and purging each day and the only remembrances I have of this are all over my arms (you know what I am saying here), the third was the community college while I was relegated back to my house (the place I had worked my whole life to get away from), and finally here I am a senior in college.
YOU DO KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. I didn't decide to make the right decision, to face the truth, until last year. FYI - The hell in which you are living will not just suddenly stop. If you don't you'll end up being in the same position a couple years down the round when hardly anything has changed, except your ability to lie better and hide secrets to a greater degree. Is this what you want the totality of your college experience to be?? I don't think so...
Reach for that wise mind :)
p.s. was that a pig you put in your pocket? Or what funny saying did we create on the collage?? haha. You can do anything. Now you hopefully know who this is...
babe- I'm proud of you and really think you CAN get through this and that you CAN make the right decision.
ReplyDelete<3
stay strong