all over the place.

I was looking at my pictures from my last dance show in May. 

The dance show I wasn't supposed to dance in because my weight dropped quickly. Because I was purging in the double digits almost daily. And I look thin. I do. Not skinny, not emaciated, but I look thin. Then I looked at recent pictures. I obviously gained some weight. I had to in order to avoid inpatient for the summer. And then I had to gain a little more for good measure. And then I gained a little more during my month of normal eating because my metabolism is so fucked, in Rachel terms. (ok, not an exact quote. but that sums up an hour session) 

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BAD. 

I'm trying to be realistic. 

I'm trying to tell myself that yes, I gained weight. The NUMBER is up. But in reality, I fit in the same clothes. I fit IN the clothes. Maybe that's the problem. My clothes were loose and I liked them like that in March-May. Now...well, they fit. Fine. Sigh. This is so stupid. 

I find myself wanting to talk to a therapist. Which pisses me off because I never have wanted to go to therapy before. But something about HAVING to keep it all in...not choosing to...is making me go insane. And I am physically and emotionally drained by all of it. 

I told myself the dumbest thing, too. 

"Once I lose x amount of pounds, I'll email Cindy and start the groups"  

WHAT THE FUCK. 

I got my hair cut again. And colored. Which is something I regularly do, to change my appearance quickly. It's something concrete I can do and see...whatever. It's easier than the weight thing. I don't like my hair, so I have someone chop it off. I don't like my ass. But liposuction is too expensive. 

gah. My parents are coming tomorrow. I know what I should do: tell them I need more support (or some support at all...) but that it's not so bad that I need to come home. (lie?) 

And then I can maybe get that support and live better? And get healthy? 

Andddddddd yeah. I want to lose weight still. I am uncomfortable in my skin right now. 

I don't know. I don't like the counseling center. 

I'm all over the place tonight.