home is where the heart is.

I've been all over the place and back and I can't decide what the right answer is or what I even want it to be. Before being forced to see the reality by around 5 or 6 different people made me realize that there at least needs to be a change. I've been in denial for...ever...that I actually needed therapy at all. I'd have random little epiphanies that changed my mind for a couple hours, maybe days if I was lucky...but they never amounted to anything. So I swore off recovery and lied because I thought college would be the ultimate healer. It hurts more than anything to know that I was wrong about that. Because I was so sure that a change of scenery and a change of people would bring on the best new life for me.

I guess a part of me knew that it wasn't going to . But I am trying to not be terrible hard on myself for coming here and realize that I needed to experience and see it to believe that packing up and leaving was going to make it worse overall. But it's also probably what I needed to kick me in the ass. Yeah, I'm in an awful place recovery-wise and emotionally right now, but damn. I have made good friends. I haven't felt loved by people like I do for a long ass time. Georgia got stale. It's fresh here, and I love the atmosphere...my campus is probably the most gorgeous thing ever. Maybe I'm a little bias, but it's really fucking pretty. Anywho. I don't really know what it means to be happy. But I've seen a lot of people that are. And I might be understanding it better. And I've taken a step back from my drama at home, and all my teenage angst in hating my friend for telling my parents, and hating my parents for wanting to help...and being terrified that anyone would find out that I have a problem...and I've matured a lot. I told my mom that I was struggling. I never would have done that before. I told Lucy about everything in a sober conversation when she asked what was wrong instead of blowing off the question. I still have a lot of shit that I need to deal with but I think I might be able to. Maybe.

That's the part where I'm all over the place. I go back and forth like it's my job. I couldn't imagine leaving here just days ago. And somehow, at some point, the switch flipped and it became hell. It's getting back into neutral territory where I couldn't care either way...but damn. Saturday and Sunday were awful and I was going to try and go home this week, or to my aunt's in Missouri just to get away. But it's about 300 dollars. So I decided against that...

All day yesterday I was in the state where I was going to tell Cindy that I needed to leave ASAP. I wanted nothing but to just get the hell out of here and go back home and go inpatient, or ACE or whatever. I didn't care, I just wanted Georgia and the familiarity of it. I don't know if it's right for me to stop college this close to the end of the semester. There's a little less than 2 months and I can go to an ACE-like program around here...I'm sure that's what will be suggested, or possibly enforced so there aren't liability issues if I keel over and die or something. I can finish the semester though and continue therapy over break and THEN see where I am. I can see if I'm stable enough to go back to school, or if I need to take classes somewhere local and do therapy at home. Or no classes at all. I'll have enough credits at the end of the semester to be a sophomore, so I would be able to graduate on time and all of that...which is important to me...

But there's this other strong side of me that feels like I should be punished for doing this and go home....because, after all...that was the deal. Struggling? Residential. Goodbye, Lake Forest.

I just hope the insurance thing doesn't fuck up being here for me after the face. If we have to pay out of pocket, I'm exiled to UGA or somewhere like that. And I would rather struggle here than go to UGA. That's not true. I'd rather just not go to school.

I need a place to go. I need a safe place to belong. I'm scared of going home at all though, even though part of me wants to pack up and leave like...now.

I wish my mind wasn't such a cluster fuck.